Taking Leaps of Faith

Missing my Markie!!!

 This year, God gave Mark and I a theme of taking leaps of faith...and they have already begun. 

A week ago I took my first leap by traveling alone with Zoey to Kansas, to visit my mom and sister. This required two flights, with a layover both ways.  I felt confident in doing so, since I have traveled so much in the past.  This, however, was far different than traveling on my own or with Mark. Although Zoey did fabulously on the planes, there were a few challenges:
1.  I stubbornly refused to check any bags on the way there, which resulted in frantic running through the airports, screaming, hungry baby crying in my ergo, and bags fumbling on the ground.  Thank God for kind people out there!
2.  Zoey had a diaper explosion in the airport, and with all my bags, I refused to go to the bathroom and just took care of business on my lap...don't judge!
3.  Once at my mom's house, I experienced cries from Zoey that I had never heard before; uncontrollable screeches, along with a crazy every-hour appetite.  Maybe a growth spurt, or maybe something I ate...who knows.  Most of the time she was great!

All in all, we had a wonderful time: had a photo session with Zoey, introduced her to Aunti K for the first time, was treated to a pedicure (my first one in over 10 years) and a massage for an early Mother's Day gift (thanks mommy, you're the best), and tons more.

So my second leap of faith was to share at my mom's church about what Mark and I will be doing in Tanzania, as well as our story and hearts for the forgotten and marginalized.  The morning service went fine (it was only 5 minutes) and we sold some of the purses made by some of the girls we will be partnering with.  Zoey had aunti and a bottle to take care of her.  The night service, however, was for about 40 minutes of talking. Yeah, 40 minutes is a long time and I felt so inadequate.  That was the first time I have spoken that long at a church.  And meek, insecure little me rose to the occasion and was empowered by God to be His vessel.  Although I felt I did a bad job, people affirmed me that God spoke to them.  So crazy, that God even uses me for His purposes.  It's so much easier to believe that He can use others, even in their weaknesses, but it's a whole other story when it comes to trusting Him in MY weaknesses.

Anyways, all went well and I was extremely empowered in many ways.  I even felt a bit prideful in the airport as I waited for my ride at LAX, until I was put in my place by a woman with twins and a toddler, all by herself!  Serves me right :)

P.S.  All you single moms out there, ROCK!  Nuff said!

P.S.S. I have to survive another week without Mark as he is in Colorado helping his brother move.  Already I have faced the challenge of an extreme migraine, gagging into a bowl as I breastfed and tried to soothe Zoey from an outburst...yikes!  I can't WAIT to see his happy face!!!

Missing my girls!!!

Confessions of a New Mom: Eating Disorders and Motherhood

Growing up I was a very insecure child…my personality and my looks were never good enough in my mind.  So I became a people pleaser and in high school, this meant being thin and beautiful as to attract attention from guys.  Society set the bar so high that the only way I felt I could reach it was by skipping meals…which eventually led to only a few small snacks a day.  A snicker bar or a soft pretzel, was all I allotted myself for a day.  All because I felt I wasn't good enough, beautiful enough. 

 Between my freshman and sophomore year, I went from a size 9 to a 1, and for a 5' 7" girl, this was not healthy.  My hair was thin and brittle, but I didn't care.  The guys noticed me, and I was getting compliments from everyone.  "You look so skinny Brittany.  You look great!"  was what I would hear.  Eventually, the compliments turned into concerns like "you're not anorexic are you?"  But this didn't stop me, and neither did some of my friends who shared some of the same unhealthy habits.  I remember exchanging tips in conversations with friends, like doing sit-ups when we felt hungry to suppress the hunger pains, or to eat potatoes for a meal in order to make us feel more full.  We were sick…sick in our minds without even knowing it.  

Fortunately, this only lasted about 6 to 9 months.  I had reached my goal, had guys asking me out (not many though, I wasn't popular by any means lol), and I felt great.  So I began eating again, but over indulging, thinking I could eat whatever I want.  This began catching up to me throughout college, until I got married.  While my weight did fluctuate up and down, like riding a roller coaster, I did eventually begin binging and vomiting up the food.  It was easier to eat and enjoy what I wanted and then just throw it up, despite my hubby's affirming words of my beauty!

So I have struggled with this up until my pregnancy, which I then gave it up.  I wasn't an avid bulimic before, I only did it when I over indulged, at parties and such…ONLY!  (Sad that I said only because it wasn't all the time)

As I struggle with my image, a postpartum body…a new mom's body, I take a look at my daughter and think to myself "is this something I want my daughter to struggle with?"  Because I know that she will study and imitate me as she matures into a woman someday, who faces the same issues of trying to fit in.  Even though she will be raised in Africa, each culture has their standards: of beauty, intelligence, strength, whatever makes a person more valuable in a culture's eyes.

So now I am praying that God will become my focus, desiring more of Him than pleasing others.  Because this issue is much deeper than eating disorders...it's putting other peoples' opinions above God's opinion of me!  I want to be an example to my daughter, as I live out what it means to be a woman of God.  May we as Christ followers learn to put all of our energy into seeking God, making Him our everything!

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thristy for more.  I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace.  I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.  Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to my soul, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away'  Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.  In Jesus' Name, Amen."  
                                                                                                                ~Tozer, The Pursuit of God