Confessions of a New Mom: Eating Disorders and Motherhood

Growing up I was a very insecure child…my personality and my looks were never good enough in my mind.  So I became a people pleaser and in high school, this meant being thin and beautiful as to attract attention from guys.  Society set the bar so high that the only way I felt I could reach it was by skipping meals…which eventually led to only a few small snacks a day.  A snicker bar or a soft pretzel, was all I allotted myself for a day.  All because I felt I wasn't good enough, beautiful enough. 

 Between my freshman and sophomore year, I went from a size 9 to a 1, and for a 5' 7" girl, this was not healthy.  My hair was thin and brittle, but I didn't care.  The guys noticed me, and I was getting compliments from everyone.  "You look so skinny Brittany.  You look great!"  was what I would hear.  Eventually, the compliments turned into concerns like "you're not anorexic are you?"  But this didn't stop me, and neither did some of my friends who shared some of the same unhealthy habits.  I remember exchanging tips in conversations with friends, like doing sit-ups when we felt hungry to suppress the hunger pains, or to eat potatoes for a meal in order to make us feel more full.  We were sick…sick in our minds without even knowing it.  

Fortunately, this only lasted about 6 to 9 months.  I had reached my goal, had guys asking me out (not many though, I wasn't popular by any means lol), and I felt great.  So I began eating again, but over indulging, thinking I could eat whatever I want.  This began catching up to me throughout college, until I got married.  While my weight did fluctuate up and down, like riding a roller coaster, I did eventually begin binging and vomiting up the food.  It was easier to eat and enjoy what I wanted and then just throw it up, despite my hubby's affirming words of my beauty!

So I have struggled with this up until my pregnancy, which I then gave it up.  I wasn't an avid bulimic before, I only did it when I over indulged, at parties and such…ONLY!  (Sad that I said only because it wasn't all the time)

As I struggle with my image, a postpartum body…a new mom's body, I take a look at my daughter and think to myself "is this something I want my daughter to struggle with?"  Because I know that she will study and imitate me as she matures into a woman someday, who faces the same issues of trying to fit in.  Even though she will be raised in Africa, each culture has their standards: of beauty, intelligence, strength, whatever makes a person more valuable in a culture's eyes.

So now I am praying that God will become my focus, desiring more of Him than pleasing others.  Because this issue is much deeper than eating disorders...it's putting other peoples' opinions above God's opinion of me!  I want to be an example to my daughter, as I live out what it means to be a woman of God.  May we as Christ followers learn to put all of our energy into seeking God, making Him our everything!

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thristy for more.  I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace.  I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.  Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to my soul, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away'  Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.  In Jesus' Name, Amen."  
                                                                                                                ~Tozer, The Pursuit of God