I'm Putting the Gavel Away!

You have probably noticed by now a pattern or theme to my blog posts of late.  But I've just noticed it now.

I'm learning ALOT about myself, my family, and who God desires me to be, and then going beyond that.  It's such a humbling process, and while I feel I have been a decently self-aware person, I've done little to nothing to develop who I am.  I've used excuse after excuse about how I was raised, but when do we move past that?

NOW!  So my next confession is that I have been such a judgmental person, in particular towards missionaries.  I used to think that a good missionary woman was like GI Jane...strong, tough, could handle living in a little hut with dirt floors, no electricity, and still be very present with the local people, serving them with all of her time and efforts.  Then, at the end of the day, spend all of her energy studying her Bible and doing other spiritual things.  

Never did I imagine myself living in a house with more than one bedroom, electricity working more often than not, having someone help me in the house (I'll save that story for later), and having decent internet.  In fact, I judged missionaries in the past for such things, thinking that they are living such a "comfortable" life and showing off all of their wealth.

Oh, how I'm learning...and I apologize for this attitude, especially to all of my missionary friends.  I've wrestled with guilt for some time now and have discovered through life experiences and wisdom from some east african friends that it's not about what we HAVE, but more about the condition of our HEARTS and how we use it all to love our neighbors.  In the words of a wise Kenyan friend we invited over a few weeks ago: "You could have a very simple, small house and not love and bless others, staying to yourself, or you could have a bigger house and be warm and caring for others. It's about your heart - people will see that."  

The fact is, I could do everything myself here, from scratch, and rough it completely.  I did it in Papua New Guinea for a year.  But does that really make me a good missionary?  Not really.  I was often so exhausted from life, cross-cultural differences, and many other things that I had little energy to invest in others.  But as a mom who has lots to do now, I really appreciate having a home with a few modern amenities that allow me to invest my efforts into more important, more transformational purposes for others. 

I don't know where you are at in your opinions, but please avoid what I have done and take the time to put yourself in other's shoes and remember all of the things they have left behind in order to invest their time, love, and energy into seeing others uplifted and empowered!  Most of all, give them grace, because missionary women are no more perfect and are on the same learning journey that we all are on. 

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

                                                                             ~Matthew 7:1-5

Getting My Priorities Straight

It's been such a long time, it seems, since I sat down and took the time to share my thoughts.  We have been pretty busy, as you can imagine, although it has been at a good pace.  In fact, we are experiencing so much peace since coming to Moshi because we don't feel as if we are in limbo anymore.  Which means, we are planting roots here and feeling at home.

Since having Zoey 11 months ago, I have felt so much anxiety, both with being a new parent and in knowing that we were moving here, leaving family behind.  So much so, that while I did have some joy in the midst of it, I can see now that I lacked joy most of the time and was focusing on the future too much.  I beat myself up many times for not focusing on Zoey enough or not keeping her on track with certain developmental stages.  

But the last month has changed my lifestyle and I can honestly say that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Is life really any easier here than it was back in Pasadena?  HECK NO!!! But I feel that God has given me grace and is causing a paradigm shift in my priorities.  

Just two days ago, Mark and I were talking about what God is doing in our lives.  Multitasking by downloading parenting discs onto my itunes, I went to go place them back on the shelf, and was reminded by God that I'm really good at putting all of my energy and time into figuring out how to be a good mom for Zoey...doing lots of research, stressing over decisions, and seeking advice.  But then it was clear to me that I don't put that same effort into being a good daughter...daughter to God the Father.  I know that may sound weird, but I've learned a lot about God through motherhood and my love for Zoey.  I look at her with so much love and just desire her to lay in my arms and let me love on her.  But now I need to learn to be like a baby, resting in my Heavenly Father's arms, enjoying time with Him instead of being busy and doing my own thing.  

So that's it...I need to kick my butt into gear and just take the time.  And though it may not seem like there is time, I am learning from Tanzanians that time is the one thing that there is always more of and things can wait 'til tomorrow.