I Quit!

Yesterday I made it official.  I am a "Home Maker," "Stay at Home Mom," or whatever else you call it.

It was such a strange experience driving to work this morning, knowing that I was turning in my 3 weeks notice.  So surreal...and full of mixed emotions (although mostly joyful ones).  Walking in the office made me feel like I had been gone forever, and then at the same time like I had never left.  It was so great catching up with people and introducing Zoey to all of my friends and co-workers.  By the way, all went well with the news, or at least I think it did.

At one of many Ed Tech conferences with my colleagues/friends!

So now I get to invest most of my time in the BEST job in the world: raising my Zoey girl.  I'm so thrilled and honored to have this opportunity, full of gratitude and thanksgiving to God!

However, there are some sacrifices that this mama must make in order to do this.  Mark and I are certainly not well off enough to live a lavish (or even "normal") lifestyle.  I have always been a pretty frugal person, but I have to learn to cut back even more.  My iphone, for instance, has been traded for an "old school" (few years old) slider phone and will be turning in my laptop and iPad mini to my employers.  I have been spoiled working for an Educational Technology department with all the bells and whistles that come along with it.  Benefits that some of us take for granted will be out the door.  All of these mean nothing to me compared to the joy I will experience watching the milestones of my baby's life unfold before my eyes.

Sometimes the most beautiful and worthy things in life come at a price, a sacrifice, and even pain at times.  Jesus and His disciples modeled this well!

And just so you know, all I ever wanted to do before college was be a stay-at-home mom, and then that changed to the other extreme during and after college.  The last 5 years I never would have imagined trading in my independent and professional lifestyle to find spit-up all over my PJs, which I work in most of the time around the house, barely finding time to do my hair, wash my face, let alone take a shower.  Yes, I am not only embracing this new lifestyle, but loving most of it.  Oh man, sometimes I can't help but laugh at myself, for the shifts of thoughts and ideas I have had compared to the realities of life I have experienced.  Oh, how God must laugh even more!

Am I worried about losing my identity as a professional in the workforce?  A little...yet I know the truth in that my identity can only be found in my creator, God, who knows what is best for me and my family.  I still have so much more to learn what this looks like, but am looking forward to continuing on this path of discovery.

DISCLAIMER:  I don't mean to offend anyone by this post, especially those who are not able to make the decision I have made. I am very aware that each person's circumstances are different.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

    your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

    Do not forsake the work of your hands.

                                                                   ~Psalm 138:8

11 Things I Thought I'd NEVER Say or Do!

I am a stubborn woman sometimes, who loves to prove a point.  And believe it or not, even judgmental at times... yikes! Those of you who know me well can vouch to this.  This is even more true as I have embarked on this journey of motherhood, but God is always working on transforming us into His likeness, if we let Him.  Lately He has been teaching me to Never Say Never Again! Oh, how I have been humbled lately.

So here are the 11 Things I Thought I'd NEVER Say or Do:

1.  Have children.
     Read my blog post "I Will NEVER Have Kids" for understanding!

2.  Use my mouth to clean a filthy pacifier after picking up God knows what from the floor.
     I'm kind of a germ-a-phobe.

3.  Take a bath.
    My mom and hubby made me in order to heal my hemorrhoids. Yes, I do shower.  I just hate the     thought of sitting in my own filth...even since the age of 5, I was VERY aware of the hair and dirt that collected towards the back of the tub.  Hence, I would sit as close to the running faucet, since I was forced to take baths with not only myself...but with friends as a little kid. What were our parents thinking? I am fully aware that this too may be added to the list in the future.

4.  Compare myself to others.
     Through both lenses of how much I suck, and to be brutally honest, how I think I'm doing better than others.  Pride is a viscous thing...but so is insecurity! I have hopes to find the balance, through God's grace.

5.  Compare my baby to others.
     Ok, i get it now that all moms think their baby is the cutest.

6.  Enjoy breastfeeding. 
     Even in the middle of the night...although exhausted, I love to see my baby girl smile, knowing she is getting to eat soon. It's so fun cuddling her and watching her latch on, kicking her feet around and tugging on my shirt collar...so precious!

7.  Miss my baby after being away for even 10 minutes.
     Don't get me wrong, I love passing her around at get-togethers.  But I used to think moms were crazy when they missed their babies...like, don't you spend almost every minute of the day with them?  But guess what?  I do the same thing now lol!

8.  Embrace a natural labor.  
     Never in a million years would I have thought that I could endure giving birth without pain meds, until I was prego and ready to take on the challenge.  Here is my blog post "It Smells Like Blueberries" to read more on the story.

9.  Receive satisfaction in changing a poopy diaper.  
     Although messy, it's wonderful to see proof that my baby is eating well and is growing strong.  Even if this means a poop spray or two onto mom, dad, and whatever else is in range.

10.  Post a dozen pictures of my baby on FB.  
       Well, I don't, but my hubby does.  And I LOVE it!  So what if we are proud parents...this stage will go by too quickly and we live too far away from most of our loved ones for them to see her progressions.

11.  Spend time looking at photos/videos of other people's babies...
       ...rather than going out with my friends - BTW I still LOVE going out with my friends, but I also enjoy lounging at home, looking at precious little ones that God has created.  Go Moms!

Here is a good verse that encourages me to avoid comparisons and judgements.  Rather, I desire to be the mother that God desires me to be, full of grace, love and humility towards other moms!

Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

It smells like blueberries!!!

"It smells like blueberries!" I claimed as I came into the living room. My husband and mom looked at me like I was crazy.  And then I gasped for air, dropped my pants and shouted "I think my water broke.  Come and check!"

...and that is how my journey through labor began.

My mom, in town from Kansas to help with labor and the baby, had just watched "What to Expect When You're Expecting" with me, as I bounced on my exercise ball to help naturally induce labor.  It was a Friday night, and I was 5 days past my due date.  

Now whether my water broke or it was "bloody show," I wasn't sure.  But unlike Hollywood likes to portray it, we did not rush in a panic out the door to the hospital.  In fact, that night my contractions began, starting the SLOW process of my labor at home.  After tracking the timing of my contractions on the "contractions" app from my iPad, I walked with my mom the next day…and with each contraction, stopped and did a hula hoop dance, using my hips to move the baby down, while making a low-tone moan to help with the pain (thanks Ryan Helbling for the suggestion because it truly helped)!  

All of this was done at the mall too.  And no, I was not embarrassed one bit!  I was in the zone, focused.

The worse my contractions got, the more support I got from my wonderful hubby and mom.  They dimmed the lights, lit candles, played "Charlie Brown Christmas" and slow danced with me through the contractions.  I really enjoyed being at home, feeling comfortable to walk around with no clothes and do what I felt I needed to do.

The only problem was, unlike most people told me, I wasn't sure when I should head to the hospital.  My contractions were like a roller coaster: for a few hours they would intensify, growing closer together and lasting longer (which is a sign to head out) and then they would slow down and spread out.  So we called many people for advice (thanks to my sister-in-law, aunt, and friend who is a midwife).  But on Sunday afternoon, we finally decided to go.  

Leaving for the hospital!

I was convinced that I was pretty far along, but when we got to the hospital they gave me disappointing information upon examination: I was dilated only to 1, but was effaced at 80%.  Tears started to come as they told me my water had broken, so they couldn't send me home and the midwife encouraged me to be induced right away.  WHAT?  This was NOT on my birth plan.  However, the midwife at Kaiser was changing shifts, and a wonderful woman replaced her who wanted to leave me alone to try it all naturally.  So I was able to walk around freely, take a shower, and labor as I pleased.  It was wonderful.  I even cracked a few jokes and laughed many times in between contractions!  I had the lights dimmed and more Charlie Brown Christmas playing all night long. My mom, sister-in-law and husband all rotated to help me out, rubbing my back and be my voice to the nurses and midwife.  

The hospital pads are HUGE and made me laugh!

All was great until they needed things to progress, giving me pitocin in small increments, which intensified my contractions to the point of exhaustion.  Then they gave me a sedative in hopes that I could sleep a little, which worked, but I could still feel the pain of the contractions.  Not long after this, I was up and about again, but the contractions were so often and intense that I was bleeding and peeing on the floor as I walked around.  With each contraction, I wanted to push so badly, but the midwife kept saying that I wasn't ready because I was too calm.  So I fought hard, with little success, at trying not to push, but my body kept telling me to do so.  They made me wait an hour, and then did an examination to see how far I was dilated.  The midwife was shocked to find me at a 9, and then as I accidentally pushed during a contraction, increased to a 9 1/2.  
It was Go Time!!!  She quickly grabbed her tools, told Mark and my mom to hold my legs, and then guided me in my pushing techniques.  In my birth plan, I requested a squatting bar, but the midwife said she didn't feel comfortable because she hadn't taken the time to show me how to use it.  Trust me, by this point, I just wanted to meet my baby girl!!  

I was FULL of adrenaline, ready to finally have Zoey in my arms.  I forgot about all the pain and pushed with all my might.  About 13 minutes had gone by, and the midwife broke the news that she HAD to give me an episiotomy, without giving me any explanation.  Once again, I didn't care.  Just wanted my baby girl.  Surprisingly, I hardly felt anything.  Another minute of pushing, and she was out and placed on my chest.  THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!  Truly, the most adrenaline I have ever felt, and instant love for my girl.  Another 10 minutes later, she was latched right on as I began to breastfeed her.

Truly an amazing experience.  The pain I experienced after that, as my body healed, was nothing to me.  My focus was completely on Zoey…and I have enjoyed every moment of sacrificing sleep and independence for her sake.  

So, this mama who once said she would never have kids, has a beautiful baby girl now and is already looking forward to adding more to the family…after a few years of course!  May God bless and use our family to make an impact on this broken, hurting world!  

What to do now?

Disclaimer: I wrote this post a few days ago, in the midst of feeling overwhelmed.  With that being said, I hope it doesn't come across too depressing...I absolutely LOVE being a mother to my beautiful Zoey, and can't imagine a better way to live my life now!

Three weeks ago, I experienced the most beautiful, and yet painful time of my life: labor.  It was a long process, about 3 days, of ups and downs with the consistency (or lack thereof) of my contractions.  My mom was in town from Kansas to help Mark and I before and after the baby came, and to help us through labor.  I planned on doing it naturally, and I was able to make it through with little interventions, and no epidural.  I used many techniques, including slow dancing with Mark and low-tone moaning during each contraction, and had an amazing team of Mark, my mom, and my sister-in-law Jeannie, to keep a calm atmosphere, massage my back, keep me hydrated, be my voice to the midwives, and most importantly, keep the "Charlie Brown Christmas" album repeating.  I labored mostly at home, with walks on my street, in the mall, movie watching with my mom, and tons of laughter.  But it was hard, especially during "transition" which is usually the most difficult part.  I was walking all around the hospital room, bleeding and peeing because I couldn't keep from pushing.  But you know what?  It was worth every moment because the 15 minutes that I pushed, I had all the energy in the world (thanks to Oxytocin), knowing that any moment I would get to meet my daughter, whom I carried, suffered for, and felt move inside of me for 41 weeks!

As they placed her on my chest, covered in "cottage cheese" (I don't know what it's officially called) I teared up and felt the most joy, love, and empowerment I have ever felt, not only for my new baby girl, but also for my mom and hubby, who held my legs the whole time I was pushing and saw me through the whole process.

Since this moment, I have experienced so many emotions, it's exhausting just thinking about it, not to mention the physical pain of recovering from labor (hello hemorrhoids), neck, shoulder pain, and headaches.  Tears of joy came like a flood the first few days, as I embraced my amazing miracle given to me from my Heavenly Father...then the blues approached as I knew that my mom would be leaving soon.  I so enjoyed having her around and felt so much closer to her because of this intimate experience.  I also get the Christmas blues every year, and knew that this one would be even harder to let go of.

The first few weeks, Zoey slept most of the time and did really well.  And yet I rode an emotional roller coaster as I faced moments of panic as to which theory and advice I should follow: Baby Wise, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, or Dr. Sears' Attachment Parenting?  I wanted to hold and embrace my knew little love, but was afraid of forming bad habits in her.  I worried "should I feed on demand, or should I schedule the feeding times?" but my mom chimed in and eased my mind by just telling me to follow my instincts.  This worked for those first few weeks, until a few days ago.  Zoey's personality seems to be changing and her cries are not recognizable to me any more.  I've spent days trying to get to know her cues and learn her language, which works for some days, and then the next I feel as if I don't know her at all!  It's so exhausting...and even though I have been warned about this, I've learned that you can't prepare enough for it until you experience it for yourself.

I love every little ounce of her, and want to be the best mother I can.  So I'm releasing it all to God, who knows Zoey in every way!  He created her for crying out loud.  Each and every moment I am forced to rely on Him, for wisdom and strength...which is a great thing.  So despite the ups and downs, and the utter confusion and helplessness I feel, I am so grateful and feel honored to have the opportunity to be trusted with raising and discipling my baby girl and pray that I will do the best that I can and trust God to make up for my shortcomings (which is almost everything)!

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

                                                                                ~Matthew 11:28-30