A Transparent Life: I MISS Me!!!

I’m a very transparent person {hence my blog name}…I spill everything about myself within the first few minutes of conversation usually. I wear my emotions on my sleeves. It’s not a good thing necessarily and I’m very aware of it.

For some reason I have this deep seeded need for people to understand me, know the real me. Sometimes, this makes me come across as a negative person because if you ask me how I’m doing, I’m going to TELL you how I’m doing.

This year I turned 31 and I feel like it is going to be a REALLY good…painful…but GOOD year!

God seems to be pulling the layers away as all my junk bubbles and rises out of me. Living cross-cultural {particularly with 2 little ones} will do that to you. And while it may feel rough and difficult, it’s a necessary thing to face our junk and make changes.

For most of my marriage, I have always been trying to figure out why I am wired the way I am, why I react certain ways, why I’m different than my husband…and he has been sort of my psychologist. Now I really should have seen my own therapist, but I will tell you that he has done a pretty great job of listening and asking great questions. I just LOVE him for this. So without going into the details of my life, I will give you bits and pieces…to help me process because I’m a verbal processor.

I have recently taken the Myers-Briggs personality test AGAIN…for like the 5^th time in my life. I always get confused by my results because I don’t think I fit it, but everytime it comes out ENFP – Campaigner. And you know what, I actually think it fits me for the first time.

Why I’ve been so confused all these years is that it says I am an exuberant, adventure seeking, life-of-the-party extrovert…which just hasn’t been me for a REALLY long time. For those of you who have just met me in the last, I don’t know, 12 years, you may have not seen that side of me. It does come out every once in a while. And I’m finally discovering a few reasons why:

#1 PHYSICAL PAIN

I have suffered for the last 12 years from migraines because I have something called TMJ disorder, it’s a dislocated or damaged jaw. The doctors think it happened in a very bad car accident I was in while I was a teenager. Because of this discovery in college, I had to quit my #1 passion that brought me joy: singing. Since then, I have had to give up teaching, dancing, limit my social events each week, the list goes on…all because talking, smiling, and overusing my jaw and shoulders all lead to tons of pain and eventually migraines once to several times a week.

#2 EMOTIONAL PAIN

Because of the physical pain, I have recently discovered just how saddened and passionless I have become because of this. I am to the point where I don’t even know what makes me feel ALIVE anymore. I sometimes envy those around me who get to do the things that bring them joy. I feel almost depressed because of it.

#3 FEAR

I have lived in fear for so many years, always trying to fit in and worried about what others think about me. This has resulted in me not being true to myself and being confident in who I was created to be.

So because of all this, I have had a victim mindset lately, thinking, "This is it. Poor me, nothing can be done." And while I have tried soooo many treatments and tried to make changes in my life, I haven’t found a solution yet.

But I’m hopeful again, because as I look at my beautiful girls, who cry and scream when they don’t get what they want from me, I remember that I know what’s best even if they don’t understand. And that’s how I believe God looks at us. No matter how many times I cry out to Him for answers and get frustrated and let down, He knows best.

All I can do is Trust Him and continue seeking out something that will spark some interest in me and bring life back into my soul {besides of course my wonderful family whom I love more than anything}

Here’s to 31!

A year of FREEDOM

Grace

Hope

Discovery

Joy

A collection of fun & beautiful memories in between the pain that remind me it so worth living the adventure each day and fighting through the pain!