Getting My Priorities Straight

It's been such a long time, it seems, since I sat down and took the time to share my thoughts.  We have been pretty busy, as you can imagine, although it has been at a good pace.  In fact, we are experiencing so much peace since coming to Moshi because we don't feel as if we are in limbo anymore.  Which means, we are planting roots here and feeling at home.

Since having Zoey 11 months ago, I have felt so much anxiety, both with being a new parent and in knowing that we were moving here, leaving family behind.  So much so, that while I did have some joy in the midst of it, I can see now that I lacked joy most of the time and was focusing on the future too much.  I beat myself up many times for not focusing on Zoey enough or not keeping her on track with certain developmental stages.  

But the last month has changed my lifestyle and I can honestly say that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Is life really any easier here than it was back in Pasadena?  HECK NO!!! But I feel that God has given me grace and is causing a paradigm shift in my priorities.  

Just two days ago, Mark and I were talking about what God is doing in our lives.  Multitasking by downloading parenting discs onto my itunes, I went to go place them back on the shelf, and was reminded by God that I'm really good at putting all of my energy and time into figuring out how to be a good mom for Zoey...doing lots of research, stressing over decisions, and seeking advice.  But then it was clear to me that I don't put that same effort into being a good daughter...daughter to God the Father.  I know that may sound weird, but I've learned a lot about God through motherhood and my love for Zoey.  I look at her with so much love and just desire her to lay in my arms and let me love on her.  But now I need to learn to be like a baby, resting in my Heavenly Father's arms, enjoying time with Him instead of being busy and doing my own thing.  

So that's it...I need to kick my butt into gear and just take the time.  And though it may not seem like there is time, I am learning from Tanzanians that time is the one thing that there is always more of and things can wait 'til tomorrow.

Day Dreams

We have been here for a little over a month. How time has flown. It just seems like yesterday that we were frantically packing and tidying up last minute necessities for our departure. And yet at the same time, our old life seems so distant, so long ago, as if it were another life.

While settling in to our new home, we have found so much joy…other times we have been frustrated to the point of screaming (when I say “us”, I mean ME). It’s amazing how the smallest details of daily life can bring you to that point.

One petty example is our washing machine that has not been working since we bought it almost 4 weeks ago. In the scheme of things, this sounds spoiled to even complain about. Geese, I mean some people don’t even have that luxury as an option, which I am fully aware of. And yet, I still boil with frustration because I know that I am in desperate need to wash my baby’s cloth diapers.

I don’t want to go down this path of petty complaints and annoyances. Rather, I have rediscovered a lesson that I learned a few years back when living in Papua New Guinea.

In the midst of these situations, I find myself wandering to a distant land which I once called home and think, hmmm…”life was so much easier in Cali. When things were broken, they got fixed. This stuff was so much cheaper in Cali…” Blablablah.

As soon as I step away from myself and clear the dreamy blur effect (like Ralphie on A Christmas Story), I am able to remember reality. Life wasn’t easier in Cali. We faced many struggles which may have looked different, but they were REAL.

My Day Dreaming Face 

I think living abroad, in particular a developing nation such as Tanzania, it is sometimes easy to glamorize our lifestyles we’ve grown comfortable with. Living in a different culture definitely has it’s challenges, but I am praying that God will teach me how to see this place, this way of living, this culture as the norm. The truth is, not a single country is perfect. We all have our problems, a failures, our blindspots. But if we seek God in the midst of these frustrations and challenges, we can discover a hidden beauty that allows us to trust Him and see Him in all countries, cultures, and people groups. I’m certainly not perfect and in much need of grace and love.

Lord, lead me to be patient and to trust you in the mundane, the daily frustrations I face. And help me to see your face and your hands guiding me to extend the same to those around me.

Thriving

I am home…at least it is starting to feel like it!  We have been in Moshi, Tanzania for a little over 2 weeks now and I can’t believe how quickly my emotions have changed from sadness to joy!  Thanks to everyone’s prayers, God is changing my heart attitude and perspective.  

So I have been a busy bee, going in to town to shop for everything we need in our kitchen and everything else we need to make our home functional, get Zoey into a routine, wean her from some of our night feedings, changing her naps from 3 to 2 a day, etc.  And yet somehow God has been giving me strength to get through it all and enjoy some time learning Swahili and how to cook like a Tanzanian.  My first priority here is to take care of my family, but my second priority is to approach this country with humility by laying my pride aside and learning from our friends here.  Tanzanians have so much to teach us about their ways of living and culture. 

This means being laughed at many times because I’m so different from them and do things differently.  But one of the most important lessons I learned from our time in Papua New Guinea  is to be okay with sticking out and looking silly.  People don’t mean to be rude when they laugh.  So instead, I just laugh with them because I DO look silly sometimes and that’s okay.  

Some of my friends have spoken words of encouragement over me, and things are becoming clearer to see that I'm going to THRIVE here...and I've already begun to!

Zoey playing with Mama Salma

Shopping in Moshi

Heading to a Meeting

Praying over the ground as we planted Banana trees!

Dancing with my girl!

Making Maple Leaf cookies with Mama Salma

Making shampoo for Zoey

Mama Salma teaching me to make Chapati

One More!

It’s midnight…and I’m almost going on a week of a few hours of sleep at night.  We’ve arrived to Moshi, Tanzania.  Our new home!

We’ve been planning this transition for 2 years now, and yet it is so much harder than I ever imagined.  I lie here in bed, thinking, I wish I had one more hug from my mom, one more movie with my family, one more run to Trader Joe’s, one more sunset at the beach, one more…one more…one more!!!

But the reality is that there is never enough and there will always be a desire for one more “fill in the blank.”  

So for now, it’s time to embrace what I have and the blessings that the Lord has given me:  a wonderful, encouraging husband, a beautiful, joyful baby girl, a loving, embracing community, and house to call home, and most importantly, I have the love of our Father in Heaven who is with me through it all!

May this transition in my life be full of joy and embrace while I mourn the life that I once knew and engage in the one in my path! 

Fear, Fear Go Away, and Come Again NEVER!!!

Lately I have been letting fear get the best of me...which is just NOT ok.

"What if I have a migraine today...tomorrow...next week.  How will I take care of Zoey if so?

Should I hang out with my friend next Friday, even though I have had a pattern of migraines every Friday?

What if I am never healed of them and I have to live the rest of my life with them?  Then how can I be a good mother to my sweet girl?  Can I face having another child when my pain got worse during my first pregnancy?

What if my migraines get worse in Tanzania?  How then can God use me?"

I could go on and on with the list that is in my head.  I have had fears of other little silly things, like missing Zoey's bed time (and I'm not a hardcore scheduled person) in fear that the stress of it might bring on a migraine.

But the truth of the matter is that living in the land of "what if's" can be more crippling than any migraine.

Recently, the Lord has placed on my heart the story of Moses, where God asks him to go free the Israelites from slavery, but Moses objects to God.  I've learned that his lack of trust in God to use him, even with his imperfections, is something I can relate to.  God's response to Moses astounds me "Who gave man his mouth?  Who makes him deaf or mute?  Who gives him sight or makes him blind?  Is it not I the Lord?

So I've decided I need to release the fear to God and allow Him teach me to trust Him through it all.

The reality is that my life really isn't that hard, especially compared to some of my amazing friends who live with joy, despite truly crippling sicknesses and circumstances.  These friends truly inspire me and remind me to CHOOSE JOY!  And God has been so good to me and helped me through every migraine to this day, in so many random ways!

Lord, may I walk in faith, knowing that I can trust you no matter my circumstances.  Strengthen and heal me, both spiritually and physically, so that I can be used by you.

P.S. I don't intend this post to be a sob story, seeking advice for my migraines nor for it to be a theological discussion.  I'm just sharing my life with you all...the pieces of me that are hard to tell when others ask me briefly how I'm doing.

Want to Know a Secret?

Yes, there are days that I wish I looked as glamorous as this!

People who have gotten to know me over the last 10 years, since my freshman year of college (can't believe I'm THAT old lol) have never seen me with my nails done, fancy make-up, tons of shoes, etc. Basically, they often think that I don't prefer to pamper myself.

But here's a little secret I'm going to let you in on:  I did not grow up this way.  In fact, during my middle school and high school days I frequented beauty shops, getting my nails and toes done twice a month, eye brows waxed, hair highlighted, while reading fashion magazines, etc.  I had my dad buy me all expensive name brand clothes like Roxy, Billabong, Hollister (yes I was a product of the 90's).  The list goes on, but I'm sure you get the picture.

I want to debunk the idea that many people have about me:

Simplicity is NOT easy or natural for me.  My childhood proves this.  But I have been slowly transformed over the years by Jesus who has fixed my eyes and heart on more important things, readjusted my priorities, and given me the grace to let go of many luxuries that I have learned to love.

Yes, I still like expensive perfumes and the occasional pedicure and I really wish I could get my hair done somewhere other than Paul Mitchell School (where it takes over 2 hours just to stinkin' cut my hair)... but the little sacrifices I am learning to make in order to invest in to other peoples lives is far more valuable than any self desire (this goes beyond just financial sacrifices, but where I spend my time as well).

And this transformation did not begin when I decided to move overseas, but rather when I started to grow deeper in my relationship with Jesus.

So is the point of my little spiel to be self-righteous and tell everyone else to abandon their ways of living?  Certainly not, because I serve a God who does not demand legalism.  In fact, we can NEVER be perfect enough, which is why Jesus came to be a perfect sacrifice for imperfect people.  But I do think that following Jesus requires us to be sacrificial in our lives, as we are all transformed in a loving relationship to desire more of Him and less of ourselves and the things of this world.  This looks totally different for every person and it is a long process.

So lets encourage one another as we put Jesus and others above ourselves, while extending grace as we are all in different places of this journey to Christ-likeness.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will."

~Romans 12:2 

Embracing the Here and the Not Yet

Moving to another country has it's own challenges.

And then add on being a new mom and you have a whole whirlwind of emotions, tasks, and relationships to manage...it's a beautiful mess!

But what I am finding to be my biggest challenge these days is finding the balance between living in the Here and the Not Yet.  I so want to be present with my family and friends, embrace every little up and down I have with Zoey, and yet I have so much to do to prepare for our future move.

Here's just a glimpse of things to do:
-raise the funds for us to move
-find international health coverage
-get Zoey's passport
-buy tickets
-research and buy developmentally appropriate toys, games, puzzles and books for Zoey from 9 months to 2 years
-figure out what is coming and what is staying behind
-and the list goes on and on...(I hope I'm not complaining, just sharing the challenges of moving to overseas)

I didn't fully realize this was such an issue until I spoke with my friend Melissa who has just moved to join our organization in Tanzania with her husband and baby girl Promise.

And I'm sure that we all have to juggle this concept, it just looks different for everyone.  I am just feeling as if it is impossible to find the balance.

I feel this is like my relationship with Christ.  He wants me to embrace Him here and now, to draw close to Him and enjoy His presence.  But at the same time, He calls us to look forward to His return, plan for what is ahead as we prepare for Eternity.

So I'm sure I'm making a bunch of mistakes a long the way, forgetting to get back with friends, emails, and not always on top of my packing list...but I can someday look back and say at least I was more present with my daughter!  These stages are so short and yet so crucial for development, so I will plunge forward and pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me to do what He know is best in each moment I have.