I MISS Me!!!

I’m a very transparent person {hence my blog name}…I spill everything about myself within the first few minutes of conversation usually.  I wear my emotions on my sleeves.  It’s not a good thing necessarily and I’m very aware of it.

For some reason I have this deep seeded need for people to understand me, know the real me.  Sometimes, this makes me come across as a negative person because if you ask me how I’m doing, I’m going to TELL you how I’m doing.  

This year I turned 31 and I feel like it is going to be a REALLY good…painful…but GOOD year!

God seems to be pulling the layers away as all my junk bubbles and rises out of me.  Living cross-cultural {particularly with 2 little ones} will do that to you.  And while it may feel rough and difficult, it’s a necessary thing to face our junk and make changes.

For most of my marriage, I have always been trying to figure out why I am wired the way I am, why I react certain ways, why I’m different than my husband…and he has been sort of my psychologist.  Now I really should  have seen my own therapist, but I will tell you that he has done a pretty great job of listening and asking great questions.  I just LOVE him for this.  So without going into the details of my life, I will give you bits and pieces…to help me process because I’m a verbal processor. 

I have recently taken the Myers-Briggs personality test AGAIN…for like the 5^th time in my life.  I always get confused by my results because I don’t think I fit it, but everytime it comes out ENFP – Campaigner.  And you know what, I actually think it fits me for the first time.

Why I’ve been so confused all these years is that it says I am an exuberant, adventure seeking, life-of-the-party extrovert…which just hasn’t been me for a REALLY long time.  For those of you who have just met me in the last, I don’t know, 12 years, you may have not seen that side of me.  It does come out every once in a while.   And I’m finally discovering a few reasons why:

#1 PHYSICAL PAIN

I have suffered for the last 12 years from migraines because I have something called TMJ disorder, it’s a dislocated or damaged jaw.  The doctors think it happened in a very bad car accident I was in while I was a teenager.  Because of this discovery in college, I had to quit my #1 passion that brought me joy: singing.  Since then, I have had to give up teaching, dancing, limit my social events each week, the list goes on…all because talking, smiling,  and overusing my jaw and shoulders all lead to tons of pain and eventually migraines once to several times a week.

#2 EMOTIONAL PAIN

Because of the physical pain, I have recently discovered just how saddened and passionless I have become because of this.  I am to the point where I don’t even know what makes me feel ALIVE anymore.  I sometimes envy those around me who get to do the things that bring them joy.  I feel almost depressed because of it. 

 #3 FEAR

I have lived in fear for so many years, always trying to fit in and worried about what others think about me.  This has resulted in me not being true to myself and being confident in who I was created to be.

So because of all this, I have had a victim mindset lately, thinking, "This is it.  Poor me, nothing can be done." And while I have tried soooo many treatments and tried to make changes in my life, I haven’t found a solution yet.  

But I’m hopeful again, because as I look at my beautiful girls, who cry and scream when they don’t get what they want from me, I remember that I know what’s best even if they don’t understand.  And that’s how I believe God looks at us.  No matter how many times I cry out to Him for answers and get frustrated and let down, He knows best. 

All I can do is Trust Him and continue seeking out something that will spark some interest in me and bring life back into my soul {besides of course my wonderful family whom I love more than anything}

Here’s to 31!

A year of                                                   FREEDOM

 

                                                                    Grace 

                                                                                     Hope

                                                               Discovery

                                                                                 Joy

A collection of fun & beautiful memories in between the pain that remind me it so worth living the adventure each day and fighting through the pain!

Dancing with my Mark in Yanglam, Papua New Guinea

New Year's Eve Backpacking through NYC

Weekly hikes with our students in Papua New Guinea

                                       Singing at a Pub with some friends on St. Patty's Day

Sunsets with Mark!

Learning to make a handbag in PNG

First moments with Zoey

First moments with Gracie

Holding my babe through her suffering

Sharing at churches in TZ

Celebrating new life with friends in TZ

Eating and laughing with friends in TZ

Dancing with Zoey {even though it leads to pain, it's worth it}

Zoey and I loving on some children at Light in Africa

So apparently I'm human

It’s no secret that I’m a fairly insecure person…always have been! And not afraid to admit it to people. In fact, I would rather tell people about it then let them discover it for themselves. I’m not sure why.  

It seems throughout my adult life, I have been surrounded by such intelligent, talented, artistic people who really have things all together.  And for some reason, I allow it to remind me of my failures and shortcomings.

Why can’t I just be more organized, a better cook, more adventurous, a more calm mom, not have anxiety with hosting people, BLOG MORE!!! The list goes on and on.  

I mean, I know I’m supposed to have it all together…being a missionary mom.  

But I just… DON’T.

And yet I’m really encouraged, as I’m reading the book “Unqualified” by Steven Furtick.  I’m reminded of the MANY “not good enoughs”, “don’t have it all together” type of people God used to do some pretty amazing things…ummm like Moses who rescued the slaves out of Egypt!  

I really resinate with the idea of being aware of your weaknesses and being transparent about them, but oftentimes feel misunderstood because I’m not the type to cover them up and look as if I’ve got things under control. 

But what I’m really hoping to learn is to not get hung up on my weaknesses and move past them to see that God isn’t bothered by them and can still use me.  Then I can only boast of His awesomeness, rather than my own talents and abilities - I’m the perfect candidate for that. 

So I’m looking forward to being confident in God’s view of me, knowing that life is simply a process of becoming more like Him rather than superhuman-like, Captain Awesome (yup, that was a “Chuck” reference lol)! I also hope that if this resonates with you as well, that we can all grow in this area together! Let me know if it does :)

My theme verse for many years has been:

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”          

2 Corinthians12:9-10

I’m learning that this verse not such a bad one to lean on after all.

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Beautiful Pain: A Labor Story

Candlelight, soft music, fireplace, the scent of lavender…you would have thought we had walked into a day spa. Only I was in pain.

It was the beginning of a fairly short journey through labor. I was 11 days late and had my membranes stripped a few days before my real contractions started. As soon as I felt them begin, I “Called the Midwife” (I always wanted to say that after starting one of my favorite shows). My mother-in-law came over to watch Zoey and with bags packed already, Mark and I headed down to San Diego for a 45 min drive to the birth center.

I HAD HOPES of being far along in dilation and wishful for a quick labor, since this was my second. However, I was disappointed to find out I was only at about 1 1/2 centimeters. The midwife was surprisingly encouraging in that she knew she could use techniques to move things right along. She was simply AMAZING. Although she did strip my membranes again (ouch), she massaged my shoulders and neck, used acupressure points, helped me tilt the baby in place, and cooled me down with lavender ice water. She made me feel so comfortable, and with Mark as my support as well, things went really smoothly (despite the pain). My friend and doula also came towards the end as I labored in a warm bathtub.

Similar to my first delivery, the midwives had to switch shifts and I ended up with a less encouraging and supportive one, but I had the rest of my time on my side. While I don’t remember specific time segments, I do recall feeling extremely restless and thought to myself “I’ve tried drug-free, natural birth before and proved it to myself..why am I doing this again?” I had so many weak points and felt like I was out of control. Everyone kept telling me how great I was doing and how calm I was, but I kept thinking to myself that they are just saying that to encourage me. Nothing inside of me felt calm…I wanted to die lol! I knew I had to push through but didn’t think I had the strength.

This was all during Transition, of course, when you feel like giving up. At this point I hadn't progressed much and they didn’t want to check me again, but once again like my previous birth, my body was telling me I was ready. It was obvious too, as I stood in the bathroom, naked and unable to control the pushing sensation. My husband was amazing, as he supported my body weight while I peed, bled and even pooped a little on the floor.

After finally being convinced, the midwife checked me one more time and discovered I really WAS ready! So my team helped me to the tub, where I desired to deliver the baby. With shaky legs and little strength, they helped me through the last 30 mins or so of contractions until I began to push and felt my baby’s head!!! I cried out to Jesus for strength to push through, and long and behold, I helped pull my baby out and onto my chest! It was a tie for the most precious moment of my life! {the other being with Zoey of course}

Grace Evangeline Sherman had finally arrived. Full of wonderful feelings for the new love in my life as I laid next to another one (my hubby), I stared at my new daughter while they stitched me up from tearing. They gave us an hour or two to bond with Gracie before finishing up examinations. After seeing that we were both extremely healthy and nursing well, they sent us on our way home…just 4 hours after delivery. I had a 9 or 10 hour labor, which beat my 62 hour labor from my oldest daughter Zoey! What an experience it was and I can’t say enough times how thankful I am to have experienced a water birth at a birth center. It was my dream birth and I would do it again….if I had to.

PS. I know this may be a bit TMI for some of you, but I am a transparent person, who thinks it’s important for reality to be exposed. Most people don't share the gruesome realities of labor, but they add to the beautiful and natural and painful thing called childbirth. We as women should not be ashamed…and that type of pain brings me to throw modesty out the door.

P.S.S. A HUGE thank you to my husband for all of his support throughout the pregnancy AND labor! He was so amazing, with all of my crazy moments! I love you Mark! And thank you to caring doula, Carly! You are an inspiring woman of God!

That time when I walked a ½ mile in the rain to feed my baby girl!

Holding my beautiful baby girl is one the most precious gifts…especially when she is wire-free and being loved on by her big sister who missed out on bonding time with her. I just can’t believe it’s been a week since we were released from the NICU…even harder to believe that we thought we might lose her almost 3 weeks ago when we brought her to urgent care thinking she had a minor issue. I don’t want to go into all of the nitty gritty details of our experience. Just sharing mine and my husband’s thoughts and reflections. I can honestly say that this was the scariest experience of my life. Those of you who have had their little one{s} in the hospital can understand the emotional roller coaster you experience…especially when you are a post-partum mom recovering from labor. One minute you feel strong and like you’ve got it together, then BAMMM!!! The bucket of tears just pour out of you. Then you find something to make you laugh. It’s crazy exhausting. Yet, through it all, we saw Jesus loving our family and taking care of each little detail that we hadn’t thought through or didn’t have the strength to get through. We have never leaned on Him more and are so thankful for the “Grace” He has given us…both metaphorically and personally {our baby’s name is Grace}! While Gracie was in the hospital, my husband and I had to juggle spending time with our oldest {Zoey} and holding our sick little girl, meeting with doctors, and breastfeeding her every 2 to 3 hours. Needless to say, we got little to no sleep and my body was forced to heal quickly from labor because I had a lot of walking to do back and forth between the hospital and Ronald McDonald House. What a blessing it was to be so close though and to have somewhat of a routine and quality time with our toddler. Well I’d like to say that since being back at home that it has been a walk in the park…but that’s not reality. While it’s been so wonderful to have and hold our baby girl and be back to “normal” life, we are still adjusting to being a family of four, going to doctors appointments almost daily, and Mark and I have had health issues of our own: we’ve both had migraines and I have an infected lymph node in my armpit that I’ve been on meds for. We haven’t had too much time to recover from it all, but once again God is meeting our needs and providing so much for us. His goodness shines through our weaknesses. Here’s to a rough start, but a bright future! May the Lord continue to shine through our lives and use us to encourage and bless others, and to walk alongside others through their hardships. PS…I must give a shout out to my husband who has been there for his girls. We have leaned on eachother A LOT these past few weeks and I’m so thankful for the wonderful man he is. Thank you Mark for loving me through the good times and the bad, telling me I look beautiful when I look a wreck! You are such a blessing and I love you so much!

It's the final Countdown!

It’s crazy how time just passes by so quickly.  I’m already at the point where I could go into labor any day now…38 weeks!  CRAZY!!!  So much has happened since we arrived in California, and I’ve been meaning to share my experiences so you can get a glimpse into this wild ride of ours!  This isn’t a blog completely about my pregnancy, but let’s be honest…that is the main focus of our family’s world these days so it’s mostly just about that!

We hit the ground running trying to find a natural birth location for me to deliver Gracie at.  We have a wonderful friend who is my doula and did research for me while I had limited Internet in TZ.  My prenatal care in Tanzania was so minimal that I didn’t have any testing/screenings done there and have no records to show any doctors here. 

So with straightening out my insurance and finding a place the first week, I thought I had things all settled and was on my way, but days turned into weeks with delays from the birthing center I had chosen and they weren’t getting back to me.  They kept delaying my first visit until 1 month later I FINALLY just chose to find a different birthing center.  By this time I was already at 36 weeks and didn’t think they would accept me [All other doctors’ offices turned me away because I was too far along and I was told over and over that I will just have to wait until I’m in labor and I can show up to any hospital to deliver].

After my last birthing experience in a hospital, I was determined this time to find a natural place where I could labor and deliver in a tub.  My dream has been to have a water birth.  So this was really heartbreaking to me, but I was trusting the Lord. 

So here I am now, able to share that God has been so gracious to me in finding a wonderful birthing center that not only made every exception for me, but got me in quickly with midwife visits, testing done, AND they specialize in waterbirth!  Amazing, right?  They even accept my insurance.  After several visits now I can say that my pregnancy is considered completely low risk and all of my tests were negative so I’m just praying that God will continue to keep Gracie and I healthy and that I will get to deliver the way I want, not how a doctor wants. 

FYI: I know that I have little control over things and if complications arise, I’m at peace with interventions for emergencies and definitely never judge other women for the way their labor goes!

While our lives have been focused on taking care of all this, with endless phone calls and many appointments to catch me up, we have managed to feel at home here in Fallbrook, CA. A wonderful couple opened up their back house for us [they have this place set apart especially for other missionaries which is incredible].   We’ve been so blessed to have a place to ourselves without the stress of parenting in someone else’s home and worrying about noise and behavior. 

However, things are up in the air with how long we are able to stay after the baby is born due to the next missionary’s situation, who may or may not be able to make it in the time they thought.  It’s a long story, but this puts us in a place of possibly needing to move out sometime in November…  So if you have a space available or know of someone who has a back house for our family for a few months, we would LOVE to hear from you.  Although we feel peace, there are temptations of feeling anxious about not only having a baby soon, but also having to move into someone else’s space with a toddler and a newborn.  Please pray for us and our situation and let us know if you have any leads! 

With all of the busyness, it has definitely been an emotional roller coaster, especially for this preggers.  Lately, Mark and I have been so torn in our feelings about loving another child besides Zoey lol, which I know is totally normal.  Zoey has blossomed SOOOO much in the last few months and is a blast to be around and such a love bug that it’s been hard to imagine another one joining us.  It sounds funny, but I even feel like I’m betraying Zoey for having another baby in her “old home,” aka my womb!  But we know that once we hold little Gracie, we’ll be filled with so much love and can’t imagine life without her. 

In the meantime we’ve had quality time with our families and have had a few adventures of our own.  Along with all of the fun, we have been meeting with other Global-effect members, practicing our Swahili, connecting with supporters and prepping for our move back and ministry that awaits us. Mark has been so wonderful, putting a lot of work hours and communication stuff in late at night so he can be fully present with his girls in the daytime… he amazes me!

Please pray for our transition from a family of 3 to 4 and that we find a place to stay and feel welcome for the rest of our time here in California.  Thank you all for your love and support! 

My pregger brain forgot Zoey's bathing suit lol!

Daddy/Daughter time is so precious!

Mark and I have dance parties with Zoey to get our exercise on!

Baby Moon: A Time for Reflection & Renewal

Mark and I got to spend our first night away from Zoey…well actually TWO nights, this past weekend.  While the grandparents got to enjoy some quality time with her, we were able to getaway and spend some much needed quality time with each other.

Sure, we missed her and talked about her A LOT, looking at pictures at night of our adorable little gift from God.  But it was strange how much we realized our lives have changed since having her.  Our brains our constantly aware of what needs to be taken care in every moment: diaper changing, snack time, keeping her from killing herself on that cliff…ya know the usual.  Your brains never have a chance to shut off.  And this is just with ONE.

Soon we will have two and it will be even harder.  So this was much needed time for us as a couple, to remind ourselves of one another, our love that started it all, and to just have some FUN!  Walking the streets of San Diego at night, past 7, seemed crazy.  We almost forgot that life continued outside the home after Zoey’s bedtime.  In Tanzania, there’s really nothing to go do at night so we usually stay in.

Beyond our time of refreshment with one another, though, I was able to have some quality time with Lord that I haven’t had in a while.  I had one of those Aha! Moments where I didn’t realize how much I have missed time with Him until I was there alone, with no distractions.  It felt SOOOO good.

I spent some time reflecting on this past year and realized that it was harder than I even thought while I was in the midst of it.  Don’t get me wrong, it was a good first year in a new country, new culture, learning a new language.  But it was really tough too.  Mark even mentioned to me that I have been laughing a lot more since we’ve been back.  I won’t go into the details of what made it so hard…that’s for another time.

I also took advantage of some quiet reading time as I had found a book left here in our storage called Spiritual Parenting.  As I was reading it from the perspective of raising our own children, God started to spark new flames in my heart a passion for teaching families in Tanzania the importance of their spiritual influence on their children’s lives and what discipleship can look like.  Children are often left to discover these things on their own in their culture and the teaching is left to others.  But I have a new desire to see Pastors and leaders providing resources to their church/community members and beyond on how to raise their children beyond the day to day tasks, but to raise them to have faith in the Lord. 

The family unit is the beginning of social change because children who are raised in healthy homes have a chance to contribute to the much needed healing in our broken world.  This is something I had never thought about…I always focused on meeting people’s immediate needs for sustainable jobs, employment, physical health, etc, which are all great things.  But the Lord has stirred in me a much needed renewal of passion for his people.  And ALL of this because Mark and I got to have some space for just the two of us without Zoey!

Which reminded me of the one of the most important lessons we must learn as parents: if we don’t take the time to renew and grow spiritually, how are we able to teach our children to do the same?  We are separate beings from our children who need love and care from our heavenly father.  

So all you moms out there that feel guilty for taking time away from your children, thinking it’s a luxury that’s just not possible…MAKE IT HAPPEN and stop feeling guilt!  We need it, our children need it, our families need it, and the Lord needs it!

Here’s to our soon-to-be family of FOUR!  May the Lord keep us close to His heart and provide many opportunities for us to abide in His word as we hope and pray to pass along a passion for His name to the many generations to come.