I MISS Me!!!

I’m a very transparent person {hence my blog name}…I spill everything about myself within the first few minutes of conversation usually.  I wear my emotions on my sleeves.  It’s not a good thing necessarily and I’m very aware of it.

For some reason I have this deep seeded need for people to understand me, know the real me.  Sometimes, this makes me come across as a negative person because if you ask me how I’m doing, I’m going to TELL you how I’m doing.  

This year I turned 31 and I feel like it is going to be a REALLY good…painful…but GOOD year!

God seems to be pulling the layers away as all my junk bubbles and rises out of me.  Living cross-cultural {particularly with 2 little ones} will do that to you.  And while it may feel rough and difficult, it’s a necessary thing to face our junk and make changes.

For most of my marriage, I have always been trying to figure out why I am wired the way I am, why I react certain ways, why I’m different than my husband…and he has been sort of my psychologist.  Now I really should  have seen my own therapist, but I will tell you that he has done a pretty great job of listening and asking great questions.  I just LOVE him for this.  So without going into the details of my life, I will give you bits and pieces…to help me process because I’m a verbal processor. 

I have recently taken the Myers-Briggs personality test AGAIN…for like the 5^th time in my life.  I always get confused by my results because I don’t think I fit it, but everytime it comes out ENFP – Campaigner.  And you know what, I actually think it fits me for the first time.

Why I’ve been so confused all these years is that it says I am an exuberant, adventure seeking, life-of-the-party extrovert…which just hasn’t been me for a REALLY long time.  For those of you who have just met me in the last, I don’t know, 12 years, you may have not seen that side of me.  It does come out every once in a while.   And I’m finally discovering a few reasons why:

#1 PHYSICAL PAIN

I have suffered for the last 12 years from migraines because I have something called TMJ disorder, it’s a dislocated or damaged jaw.  The doctors think it happened in a very bad car accident I was in while I was a teenager.  Because of this discovery in college, I had to quit my #1 passion that brought me joy: singing.  Since then, I have had to give up teaching, dancing, limit my social events each week, the list goes on…all because talking, smiling,  and overusing my jaw and shoulders all lead to tons of pain and eventually migraines once to several times a week.

#2 EMOTIONAL PAIN

Because of the physical pain, I have recently discovered just how saddened and passionless I have become because of this.  I am to the point where I don’t even know what makes me feel ALIVE anymore.  I sometimes envy those around me who get to do the things that bring them joy.  I feel almost depressed because of it. 

 #3 FEAR

I have lived in fear for so many years, always trying to fit in and worried about what others think about me.  This has resulted in me not being true to myself and being confident in who I was created to be.

So because of all this, I have had a victim mindset lately, thinking, "This is it.  Poor me, nothing can be done." And while I have tried soooo many treatments and tried to make changes in my life, I haven’t found a solution yet.  

But I’m hopeful again, because as I look at my beautiful girls, who cry and scream when they don’t get what they want from me, I remember that I know what’s best even if they don’t understand.  And that’s how I believe God looks at us.  No matter how many times I cry out to Him for answers and get frustrated and let down, He knows best. 

All I can do is Trust Him and continue seeking out something that will spark some interest in me and bring life back into my soul {besides of course my wonderful family whom I love more than anything}

Here’s to 31!

A year of                                                   FREEDOM

 

                                                                    Grace 

                                                                                     Hope

                                                               Discovery

                                                                                 Joy

A collection of fun & beautiful memories in between the pain that remind me it so worth living the adventure each day and fighting through the pain!

Dancing with my Mark in Yanglam, Papua New Guinea

New Year's Eve Backpacking through NYC

Weekly hikes with our students in Papua New Guinea

                                       Singing at a Pub with some friends on St. Patty's Day

Sunsets with Mark!

Learning to make a handbag in PNG

First moments with Zoey

First moments with Gracie

Holding my babe through her suffering

Sharing at churches in TZ

Celebrating new life with friends in TZ

Eating and laughing with friends in TZ

Dancing with Zoey {even though it leads to pain, it's worth it}

Zoey and I loving on some children at Light in Africa

So apparently I'm human

It’s no secret that I’m a fairly insecure person…always have been! And not afraid to admit it to people. In fact, I would rather tell people about it then let them discover it for themselves. I’m not sure why.  

It seems throughout my adult life, I have been surrounded by such intelligent, talented, artistic people who really have things all together.  And for some reason, I allow it to remind me of my failures and shortcomings.

Why can’t I just be more organized, a better cook, more adventurous, a more calm mom, not have anxiety with hosting people, BLOG MORE!!! The list goes on and on.  

I mean, I know I’m supposed to have it all together…being a missionary mom.  

But I just… DON’T.

And yet I’m really encouraged, as I’m reading the book “Unqualified” by Steven Furtick.  I’m reminded of the MANY “not good enoughs”, “don’t have it all together” type of people God used to do some pretty amazing things…ummm like Moses who rescued the slaves out of Egypt!  

I really resinate with the idea of being aware of your weaknesses and being transparent about them, but oftentimes feel misunderstood because I’m not the type to cover them up and look as if I’ve got things under control. 

But what I’m really hoping to learn is to not get hung up on my weaknesses and move past them to see that God isn’t bothered by them and can still use me.  Then I can only boast of His awesomeness, rather than my own talents and abilities - I’m the perfect candidate for that. 

So I’m looking forward to being confident in God’s view of me, knowing that life is simply a process of becoming more like Him rather than superhuman-like, Captain Awesome (yup, that was a “Chuck” reference lol)! I also hope that if this resonates with you as well, that we can all grow in this area together! Let me know if it does :)

My theme verse for many years has been:

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”          

2 Corinthians12:9-10

I’m learning that this verse not such a bad one to lean on after all.

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Beautiful Pain: A Labor Story

Candlelight, soft music, fireplace, the scent of lavender…you would have thought we had walked into a day spa. Only I was in pain.

It was the beginning of a fairly short journey through labor. I was 11 days late and had my membranes stripped a few days before my real contractions started. As soon as I felt them begin, I “Called the Midwife” (I always wanted to say that after starting one of my favorite shows). My mother-in-law came over to watch Zoey and with bags packed already, Mark and I headed down to San Diego for a 45 min drive to the birth center.

I HAD HOPES of being far along in dilation and wishful for a quick labor, since this was my second. However, I was disappointed to find out I was only at about 1 1/2 centimeters. The midwife was surprisingly encouraging in that she knew she could use techniques to move things right along. She was simply AMAZING. Although she did strip my membranes again (ouch), she massaged my shoulders and neck, used acupressure points, helped me tilt the baby in place, and cooled me down with lavender ice water. She made me feel so comfortable, and with Mark as my support as well, things went really smoothly (despite the pain). My friend and doula also came towards the end as I labored in a warm bathtub.

Similar to my first delivery, the midwives had to switch shifts and I ended up with a less encouraging and supportive one, but I had the rest of my time on my side. While I don’t remember specific time segments, I do recall feeling extremely restless and thought to myself “I’ve tried drug-free, natural birth before and proved it to myself..why am I doing this again?” I had so many weak points and felt like I was out of control. Everyone kept telling me how great I was doing and how calm I was, but I kept thinking to myself that they are just saying that to encourage me. Nothing inside of me felt calm…I wanted to die lol! I knew I had to push through but didn’t think I had the strength.

This was all during Transition, of course, when you feel like giving up. At this point I hadn't progressed much and they didn’t want to check me again, but once again like my previous birth, my body was telling me I was ready. It was obvious too, as I stood in the bathroom, naked and unable to control the pushing sensation. My husband was amazing, as he supported my body weight while I peed, bled and even pooped a little on the floor.

After finally being convinced, the midwife checked me one more time and discovered I really WAS ready! So my team helped me to the tub, where I desired to deliver the baby. With shaky legs and little strength, they helped me through the last 30 mins or so of contractions until I began to push and felt my baby’s head!!! I cried out to Jesus for strength to push through, and long and behold, I helped pull my baby out and onto my chest! It was a tie for the most precious moment of my life! {the other being with Zoey of course}

Grace Evangeline Sherman had finally arrived. Full of wonderful feelings for the new love in my life as I laid next to another one (my hubby), I stared at my new daughter while they stitched me up from tearing. They gave us an hour or two to bond with Gracie before finishing up examinations. After seeing that we were both extremely healthy and nursing well, they sent us on our way home…just 4 hours after delivery. I had a 9 or 10 hour labor, which beat my 62 hour labor from my oldest daughter Zoey! What an experience it was and I can’t say enough times how thankful I am to have experienced a water birth at a birth center. It was my dream birth and I would do it again….if I had to.

PS. I know this may be a bit TMI for some of you, but I am a transparent person, who thinks it’s important for reality to be exposed. Most people don't share the gruesome realities of labor, but they add to the beautiful and natural and painful thing called childbirth. We as women should not be ashamed…and that type of pain brings me to throw modesty out the door.

P.S.S. A HUGE thank you to my husband for all of his support throughout the pregnancy AND labor! He was so amazing, with all of my crazy moments! I love you Mark! And thank you to caring doula, Carly! You are an inspiring woman of God!