A Family Update

As many of you have seen or heard, our little Zoey fractured her leg and is now wearing a cast.  All it took was a simple fall a week ago for it to happen.  She immediately went back to crawling because of the pain she felt every time she put her foot on the ground.   If it weren’t for my aunt, we wouldn’t have pushed to get x-rays because we assumed it was minor and that she was more afraid than anything.

It’s so weird watching your little 1 year old as a cast is put on her leg, when neither Mark or I have experienced this for ourselves.

It’s been difficult trying to go to different appointments, as our car has been broken down for the week, but we have wonderful friends who have been our taxis and helped us out. 

We also had a great experience with all of the doctors and technicians involved as they were so caring and loving towards Zoey, which eased our minds as parents.  Her attitude and playfulness also helped us keep our strength, along with God’s overwhelming love and grace for us. 

As far as my pregnancy goes, I am doing much better with less nausea throughout the week and a little more energy and strength.. I even manage to get a few workouts done during the week.  I am now at 15 weeks, give or take a little. My only struggle now is my migraines, which come exactly every 10 days, but fortunately they are at least predictable and are usually at night so I can at least rest in bed.

Mark has also had many migraines that have lasted for 3 or more days at a time, on his left side from shoulder and neck pain.  We hope to get things checked out in the states because I’m thinking it’s a pinched nerve.  We could definitely use your prayers for his health, along with the rest of us. 

In spite of his health, Mark has been doing some amazing things, speaking into people’s lives at churches, encouraging pastors at their bi-weekly meetings, helping build the girl’s home and being and interim administrator at Hope International School.

Amidst the craziness, God is still moving and using us even when we don’t recognize it.  While I get tunnel vision during the hard times, I look back throughout our lives and see how awesome God is. We serve a mighty God and I don’t want to ever forget that!

Tales of a Pregnant Woman Living Abroad: Part 1

Here I am, eating cold mac and cheese leftovers and I just can’t help but think about how unmotivated I’ve been lately…to do really ANYTHING, to be quite honest.  Hence, the lack of posts recently.  

This pregnancy had a rough start.  To start off, the day I found out we were going to have another baby was Valentines Day, which was so awesome…but I had 3 boils under my armpit that were causing tons of pain for the prior week and I couldn’t get any chores done around the house without getting a migraine…my shoulder had been propped up from the pain of my boils because I couldn’t shut my arm, which was the source of my migraines…or so I thought.

Here's a sneak peak of one of our Time Lapse photos!

Then ALL DAY sickness kicked in not but 2 days after I found out and I had several migraines…needless to say I threw up a ton.  So, my survival mode kicked in as I just laid on the couch while Zoey would play in the living room.  Most ideals went out the window as I started making peanut butter and honey sandwiches for Zoey, watching movies with her daily while I lived off of coke and chips. 

The heat has been inescapable and electricity has been very poor, so I’m lucky to have a working fan at night when it's working, which I am completely dependent on for a good night’s sleep.  And to top it off, none of the foods I have been craving are available here…NONE!  Yes, I could make some, but with my nausea, that ain't happening.

Oh yeah, cleaning mushy, poopy diapers while trying not to throw up is a memory I hope to forget someday lol!

But….I’m beginning to see a beam of light at the end of this tunnel. And it feels wonderful to have some energy and a little of an appetite. Sure my migraines are worse and more frequent, but at least I can have some good days in between.

And I do have to add that while I thought having a 1 year-old while pregnant would be more of a challenge than anything, I have found Zoey to be my joy MOST days. She has such a fun, vibrant personality, with of course the common tantrum here and there, but I've loved being able to put more focus on her and less on me.  I just hate having her see me throw up...not my proudest moments.

Reflecting back, I’m always disappointed with my attitude in the midst of the pain.  I don’t know why I always feel grumpy and sorry for myself when I have so much to be thankful for.  So here’s to a new trimester…may the Lord strengthen me and help me to choose Joy in the everyday little things, while reminding me of all of the good things He is doing!

BRING IT ON!!!

P.S. I want to mention that I am so very aware of the hardships that Tanzanian women must face here when pregnant and my heart aches for them.  I don't think I have it harder, but felt some would like to hear the perspective of a pregnant expat in Tanzania.  

Sloppy Wet Kiss

I recently read an article about the controversy over the worship song “How He Loves Us” and how the author used the phrase “Sloppy wet kiss” to describe the messiness of how Heaven meets earth, like a dog licking you: you feel gross but a strange bond and love with your dog.  And that’s exactly how I felt about last week’s church service. (Except, I don’t like dogs lol)

We went to go speak at a more rural church in a village called Bonite.  The people were lovely.

Warm.

Hospitable.

Passionate Worshippers.

God’s presence was very strong amidst the teeny church with dirt floors and dung-made walls.  Several of our Global Effect team members were present and it brought me pure joy to worship alongside such beautiful people and model what Heaven’s worship will be like to my little Zoey.  

Every time we go to a church, Zoey gets passed around, which doesn’t bother me too much.  I have eagle eyes on her the whole time.  The people LOVE to hold her.  This keeps her entertained and allows me to speak at churches without feeling totally scatterbrained while holding Zoey.

But this week… 

Emotions hit me like waves; a heavy tide headed my way.  Toward the middle of the service, I took Zoey outside to keep her busy. With my diaper bag in hand I pulled out my “survival kit” aka snacks (papaya and pineapple).  It felt awkward as some of the children rushed out to watch me feed her (I was trying to avoid that by going outside).  Because, I didn’t know if these children were hungry, expecting some treats, etc. I didn’t have any to offer them, nor was it really appropriate for me to do so.  

Then the two cutest little girls, bless their souls, started following me around, trying to touch Zoey’s pale skin.  Which was fine at first…but it came to a point where they were tugging on her so much that she was getting mad and I couldn’t escape: I felt claustrophobic.  Then, the waves started crashing on me.  I had felt joy and peace up until now. 

I looked into the church and saw our team praying and the church members praying for healing (we like Tanzanians to know that they can be used for healings just as much as us) and I got a sense of jealousy.  I USED to be able to participate in things like that…my heart is so passionate to see people healed and experience freedom and empowerment.

Mark saw my expression of “HELP!” and came to hold Zoey and told me the time and that the service was far from over.  As you can imagine, it had been 2 1/2 hours already and I stupidly forgot Zoey’s lunch.  So then I broke down crying, not knowing when I could get my baby girl home, worrying if the people we were giving a ride home would be annoyed with this mother bear when I planned on leaving IMMEDIATELY after service….no socializing allowed.  For crying out loud, Zoey is starving.to.death right?  (Oh, how dramatic we can feel in the moment!)

So I went a little crazy in my head.  

But God flooded me with grace.  I was able to leave before the service ended, had only one teammate with me who was happy to leave early, and although our car sounded like it was going to literally die any second, we made it home sound and safe.  

I never imagined how hard it would be to bring my Zoey with me to church services here…the emotional roller coaster threw me for a loop.  But on my drive home, I reflected on my feelings because I felt guilty for thinking of my daughter first.  I used to want to love on all of the children in places like this…and I was still able to.  But I felt like God reassured me that it’s a good thing that I want to put Zoey first.  In fact, I then remembered as I began to see things clearly that I don’t want to raise a child who resented her parents or God for taking care of others before taking care of her.  

Heaven was brought down as people were healed of physical illnesses, but at the same moments, life was messy for some of us.

I’m so thankful for the slobber from these "sloppy wet kisses," and although there are times I want to just run away to avoid it, God reminds me to loosen up and find the beauty in it...

and then I can wipe my cheek clean ;)

10 Things I Do in Tanzania that I NEVER did in California!

I’ve been reflecting on how natural certain projects and routines have become to me, and then I realized it...  I’m a Crunchy Mom/Missionary.  If you’ve never heard that term, then don’t worry about it haha!

Without even meaning to, I’ve become a lot healthier and more natural than I’ve ever been or imagined being. So I’ve decided to share a list of just some of the things I do here in Tanzania that I never did in California - not out of necessity really, but more out of frugality.  

I want to make it clear that other women here don’t necessarily do the things that I do, and don’t really have to…these are simply my choices and ways of saving money.  I don’t want to give the impression that we rough it here so much that we have to make our own butter or anything…although some choose to (we're all learning our way forward which is great). Contrary to many people’s ideas of Tanzania (or Africa in general), many things are readily available in the cities, but they often come at a high cost (literally expensive). 

Okay, enough on that, let’s get to the good stuff. In no particular order:

1. Cut my own hair… 
9 inches to be exact.  There is a missionary here who is a hairstylist, but she was out of the country and I needed a cut desperately, so I watched YouTube and BAM… risky I know, but it was worth it.

2. Make a Christmas tree…
bare, empty branches, duct tape (always does the trick), christmas lights, local fabric & ornaments.

3. Boil water for bath time (and some showers)…
we have electric water heaters on our shower heads, but they don’t always work and the electricity has to be on which isn’t consistent at all. 

4. Boil water for dish washing…
no electric heaters on the sink or hot water in the house

5. Make my own face wash…
it’s more natural and cheaper to use ingredients here than ship a ton from the states. (it’s main ingredients are honey and coconut oil)

6. Make shampoo and body wash…
mostly for Zoey because they don’t have natural versions here, so I bought a large bottle of Castille soap in liquid and make it myself…saved room for the move here.

7. Use cloth menstrual pads…
that's right, no tampons here. And they take up too much space in luggage for a year or two’s worth in my opinion.  I NEVER imagined doing this, and I’m aware it seems disgusting…just call me a pioneer woman.  We’ll see how long this lasts lol.

8. Cook spaghetti sauce (and lots of other foods) from scratch…
if you know me, I’m not a big fan of cooking so this is a stretch for me…apple sauce, tomato sauce, cake batter, and the list goes on.

9. Buy milk from a pickup truck…
once a week Zoey and I go bring an empty oil jug and pay to have it filled with local cow’s milk…and then pasteurize it when we get home.

10. Use glass coke bottles for candle holders and decorations…
there’s nothing a little fabric or string can’t cover up and make a cute design…you learn to be creative with little resources, which is my kind of crafting!

There are probably tons more that I just don’t even think about any more…so I’ll leave it for next time.  You may think I’m crazy, but it’s kind of fun to try new things, and I’m glad to be raising Zoey with a more natural lifestyle! 

I'm Putting the Gavel Away!

You have probably noticed by now a pattern or theme to my blog posts of late.  But I've just noticed it now.

I'm learning ALOT about myself, my family, and who God desires me to be, and then going beyond that.  It's such a humbling process, and while I feel I have been a decently self-aware person, I've done little to nothing to develop who I am.  I've used excuse after excuse about how I was raised, but when do we move past that?

NOW!  So my next confession is that I have been such a judgmental person, in particular towards missionaries.  I used to think that a good missionary woman was like GI Jane...strong, tough, could handle living in a little hut with dirt floors, no electricity, and still be very present with the local people, serving them with all of her time and efforts.  Then, at the end of the day, spend all of her energy studying her Bible and doing other spiritual things.  

Never did I imagine myself living in a house with more than one bedroom, electricity working more often than not, having someone help me in the house (I'll save that story for later), and having decent internet.  In fact, I judged missionaries in the past for such things, thinking that they are living such a "comfortable" life and showing off all of their wealth.

Oh, how I'm learning...and I apologize for this attitude, especially to all of my missionary friends.  I've wrestled with guilt for some time now and have discovered through life experiences and wisdom from some east african friends that it's not about what we HAVE, but more about the condition of our HEARTS and how we use it all to love our neighbors.  In the words of a wise Kenyan friend we invited over a few weeks ago: "You could have a very simple, small house and not love and bless others, staying to yourself, or you could have a bigger house and be warm and caring for others. It's about your heart - people will see that."  

The fact is, I could do everything myself here, from scratch, and rough it completely.  I did it in Papua New Guinea for a year.  But does that really make me a good missionary?  Not really.  I was often so exhausted from life, cross-cultural differences, and many other things that I had little energy to invest in others.  But as a mom who has lots to do now, I really appreciate having a home with a few modern amenities that allow me to invest my efforts into more important, more transformational purposes for others. 

I don't know where you are at in your opinions, but please avoid what I have done and take the time to put yourself in other's shoes and remember all of the things they have left behind in order to invest their time, love, and energy into seeing others uplifted and empowered!  Most of all, give them grace, because missionary women are no more perfect and are on the same learning journey that we all are on. 

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

                                                                             ~Matthew 7:1-5

Getting My Priorities Straight

It's been such a long time, it seems, since I sat down and took the time to share my thoughts.  We have been pretty busy, as you can imagine, although it has been at a good pace.  In fact, we are experiencing so much peace since coming to Moshi because we don't feel as if we are in limbo anymore.  Which means, we are planting roots here and feeling at home.

Since having Zoey 11 months ago, I have felt so much anxiety, both with being a new parent and in knowing that we were moving here, leaving family behind.  So much so, that while I did have some joy in the midst of it, I can see now that I lacked joy most of the time and was focusing on the future too much.  I beat myself up many times for not focusing on Zoey enough or not keeping her on track with certain developmental stages.  

But the last month has changed my lifestyle and I can honestly say that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Is life really any easier here than it was back in Pasadena?  HECK NO!!! But I feel that God has given me grace and is causing a paradigm shift in my priorities.  

Just two days ago, Mark and I were talking about what God is doing in our lives.  Multitasking by downloading parenting discs onto my itunes, I went to go place them back on the shelf, and was reminded by God that I'm really good at putting all of my energy and time into figuring out how to be a good mom for Zoey...doing lots of research, stressing over decisions, and seeking advice.  But then it was clear to me that I don't put that same effort into being a good daughter...daughter to God the Father.  I know that may sound weird, but I've learned a lot about God through motherhood and my love for Zoey.  I look at her with so much love and just desire her to lay in my arms and let me love on her.  But now I need to learn to be like a baby, resting in my Heavenly Father's arms, enjoying time with Him instead of being busy and doing my own thing.  

So that's it...I need to kick my butt into gear and just take the time.  And though it may not seem like there is time, I am learning from Tanzanians that time is the one thing that there is always more of and things can wait 'til tomorrow.

Day Dreams

We have been here for a little over a month. How time has flown. It just seems like yesterday that we were frantically packing and tidying up last minute necessities for our departure. And yet at the same time, our old life seems so distant, so long ago, as if it were another life.

While settling in to our new home, we have found so much joy…other times we have been frustrated to the point of screaming (when I say “us”, I mean ME). It’s amazing how the smallest details of daily life can bring you to that point.

One petty example is our washing machine that has not been working since we bought it almost 4 weeks ago. In the scheme of things, this sounds spoiled to even complain about. Geese, I mean some people don’t even have that luxury as an option, which I am fully aware of. And yet, I still boil with frustration because I know that I am in desperate need to wash my baby’s cloth diapers.

I don’t want to go down this path of petty complaints and annoyances. Rather, I have rediscovered a lesson that I learned a few years back when living in Papua New Guinea.

In the midst of these situations, I find myself wandering to a distant land which I once called home and think, hmmm…”life was so much easier in Cali. When things were broken, they got fixed. This stuff was so much cheaper in Cali…” Blablablah.

As soon as I step away from myself and clear the dreamy blur effect (like Ralphie on A Christmas Story), I am able to remember reality. Life wasn’t easier in Cali. We faced many struggles which may have looked different, but they were REAL.

My Day Dreaming Face 

I think living abroad, in particular a developing nation such as Tanzania, it is sometimes easy to glamorize our lifestyles we’ve grown comfortable with. Living in a different culture definitely has it’s challenges, but I am praying that God will teach me how to see this place, this way of living, this culture as the norm. The truth is, not a single country is perfect. We all have our problems, a failures, our blindspots. But if we seek God in the midst of these frustrations and challenges, we can discover a hidden beauty that allows us to trust Him and see Him in all countries, cultures, and people groups. I’m certainly not perfect and in much need of grace and love.

Lord, lead me to be patient and to trust you in the mundane, the daily frustrations I face. And help me to see your face and your hands guiding me to extend the same to those around me.