Fear, Fear Go Away, and Come Again NEVER!!!

Lately I have been letting fear get the best of me...which is just NOT ok.

"What if I have a migraine today...tomorrow...next week.  How will I take care of Zoey if so?

Should I hang out with my friend next Friday, even though I have had a pattern of migraines every Friday?

What if I am never healed of them and I have to live the rest of my life with them?  Then how can I be a good mother to my sweet girl?  Can I face having another child when my pain got worse during my first pregnancy?

What if my migraines get worse in Tanzania?  How then can God use me?"

I could go on and on with the list that is in my head.  I have had fears of other little silly things, like missing Zoey's bed time (and I'm not a hardcore scheduled person) in fear that the stress of it might bring on a migraine.

But the truth of the matter is that living in the land of "what if's" can be more crippling than any migraine.

Recently, the Lord has placed on my heart the story of Moses, where God asks him to go free the Israelites from slavery, but Moses objects to God.  I've learned that his lack of trust in God to use him, even with his imperfections, is something I can relate to.  God's response to Moses astounds me "Who gave man his mouth?  Who makes him deaf or mute?  Who gives him sight or makes him blind?  Is it not I the Lord?

So I've decided I need to release the fear to God and allow Him teach me to trust Him through it all.

The reality is that my life really isn't that hard, especially compared to some of my amazing friends who live with joy, despite truly crippling sicknesses and circumstances.  These friends truly inspire me and remind me to CHOOSE JOY!  And God has been so good to me and helped me through every migraine to this day, in so many random ways!

Lord, may I walk in faith, knowing that I can trust you no matter my circumstances.  Strengthen and heal me, both spiritually and physically, so that I can be used by you.

P.S. I don't intend this post to be a sob story, seeking advice for my migraines nor for it to be a theological discussion.  I'm just sharing my life with you all...the pieces of me that are hard to tell when others ask me briefly how I'm doing.

Want to Know a Secret?

Yes, there are days that I wish I looked as glamorous as this!

People who have gotten to know me over the last 10 years, since my freshman year of college (can't believe I'm THAT old lol) have never seen me with my nails done, fancy make-up, tons of shoes, etc. Basically, they often think that I don't prefer to pamper myself.

But here's a little secret I'm going to let you in on:  I did not grow up this way.  In fact, during my middle school and high school days I frequented beauty shops, getting my nails and toes done twice a month, eye brows waxed, hair highlighted, while reading fashion magazines, etc.  I had my dad buy me all expensive name brand clothes like Roxy, Billabong, Hollister (yes I was a product of the 90's).  The list goes on, but I'm sure you get the picture.

I want to debunk the idea that many people have about me:

Simplicity is NOT easy or natural for me.  My childhood proves this.  But I have been slowly transformed over the years by Jesus who has fixed my eyes and heart on more important things, readjusted my priorities, and given me the grace to let go of many luxuries that I have learned to love.

Yes, I still like expensive perfumes and the occasional pedicure and I really wish I could get my hair done somewhere other than Paul Mitchell School (where it takes over 2 hours just to stinkin' cut my hair)... but the little sacrifices I am learning to make in order to invest in to other peoples lives is far more valuable than any self desire (this goes beyond just financial sacrifices, but where I spend my time as well).

And this transformation did not begin when I decided to move overseas, but rather when I started to grow deeper in my relationship with Jesus.

So is the point of my little spiel to be self-righteous and tell everyone else to abandon their ways of living?  Certainly not, because I serve a God who does not demand legalism.  In fact, we can NEVER be perfect enough, which is why Jesus came to be a perfect sacrifice for imperfect people.  But I do think that following Jesus requires us to be sacrificial in our lives, as we are all transformed in a loving relationship to desire more of Him and less of ourselves and the things of this world.  This looks totally different for every person and it is a long process.

So lets encourage one another as we put Jesus and others above ourselves, while extending grace as we are all in different places of this journey to Christ-likeness.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will."

~Romans 12:2 

Embracing the Here and the Not Yet

Moving to another country has it's own challenges.

And then add on being a new mom and you have a whole whirlwind of emotions, tasks, and relationships to manage...it's a beautiful mess!

But what I am finding to be my biggest challenge these days is finding the balance between living in the Here and the Not Yet.  I so want to be present with my family and friends, embrace every little up and down I have with Zoey, and yet I have so much to do to prepare for our future move.

Here's just a glimpse of things to do:
-raise the funds for us to move
-find international health coverage
-get Zoey's passport
-buy tickets
-research and buy developmentally appropriate toys, games, puzzles and books for Zoey from 9 months to 2 years
-figure out what is coming and what is staying behind
-and the list goes on and on...(I hope I'm not complaining, just sharing the challenges of moving to overseas)

I didn't fully realize this was such an issue until I spoke with my friend Melissa who has just moved to join our organization in Tanzania with her husband and baby girl Promise.

And I'm sure that we all have to juggle this concept, it just looks different for everyone.  I am just feeling as if it is impossible to find the balance.

I feel this is like my relationship with Christ.  He wants me to embrace Him here and now, to draw close to Him and enjoy His presence.  But at the same time, He calls us to look forward to His return, plan for what is ahead as we prepare for Eternity.

So I'm sure I'm making a bunch of mistakes a long the way, forgetting to get back with friends, emails, and not always on top of my packing list...but I can someday look back and say at least I was more present with my daughter!  These stages are so short and yet so crucial for development, so I will plunge forward and pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me to do what He know is best in each moment I have.

Please Forgive Me!

Adventures before Zoey!

To all my friends with children out there...

PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

I'm sorry I never truly supported you in the past, never lent you a hand, watched your kids to give you a date night and I regret it to this day.

Looking back at all of the difficult times in Papua New Guinea at the Pacific Training Course, I wonder what I could have done to just make things a little bit easier on the mamas who washed their babies diapers, managed the emotional stress of letting strangers watch your kids, and for crying out loud, washing your babies in the river while we lived in villages...all while learning a new language and culture.  You are all my heros...and I have so much to learn from you all.

And to the rest of my friends (you know who you are) thank you for your grace, even though you work hard day in and day out, and have accommodated to get together with me (since I had SO much to do...poor me lol)!

Everyday I am reminded of how selfish my life was before I had my little Zoey, always looking out for myself and meeting my needs.  I just didn't get it.  The life of parenthood is constant sacrifice and putting ourselves to the side for our little ones.  It's difficult, and yet we are reminded of its worth when we look at our beautiful, precious gifts from God.  And I'm sure all the mamas of more than one laugh at me talking about how difficult it is (and I hope to do the same one day), but for now it is challenging to me.  I lived a long life of independence as an American woman, and got used to it.

Now my emotions and thoughts are geared towards nothing but my family and I GET IT NOW!

And to all my kidless friends, head my warning and learn from my lesson.  Take a moment to offer help to the parents around you...bring them a treat, visit them, watch their kids.  It doesn't take as much time as you think...

Because only GOD knows what I did with my time before Zoey came into my life haha!

(Don't get me wrong, I know we ALL have busy lives, whether you have kids or not)

Lord, may I learn to walk in humility, putting others' needs before my own and walk in faith, knowing that you will provide strength for me to help others!

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."
                                                                                    ~Colossians 3:12

Adventures with Zoey!

Learning to Be OKAY with Just Me!

I don't
         make lavish looking meals...or very tasty ones for that matter
               
                      keep my apartment looking spick and span
                       
                                 have any outstanding talents
                               
                                           I'm just me!

And I'm learning to be content with that.  The internet is FULL of people, especially moms, who share all of their accomplishments through photos, descriptions, advice, etc.

My point is not to disregard women who are extremely talented in various ways...I just often find myself measuring up to their standards and finding myself

well...

quite inadequate.

I'm not looking for praise or affirmation.  Nor am I being a Negative Nelly lol!  Just trying to be real and encourage others who may feel the same.  I'm not horrible at the things I've listed above...just mediocre.  And that's OKAY!

Jesus sought out the forgotten, meek, and marginalized people.  While I wouldn't say that I am forgotten, our society would label me meek, and almost unvalued.

But if I'm going to Tanzania to reach out to these same people as Jesus modeled for us, then I must believe that He can use little ole' meek me.

And maybe that's just it.  Maybe God has given me the gift of relating to people.  And although this is not easily measured or visible to others, I am learning to be content with this.

May we all learn to accept God's love and grace, without performance or trying to live up to standards.  I pray that you will discover that He loves us just for being His creation...His child...and for chosing to follow His son Jesus!  Blessings to all of those fellow Mediocre Moms.

And learning to be OKAY with just who God has created us to be!

(And now off to comfort my crying, teething baby, and let that be enough!)

(Looking like a wreck...to put my Zoey's needs first and I'm proud of it!)

PS.  Thanks Mark for loving me through thick and thin, no matter what I do or don't do!  You model God's grace and love so well! XOXO

                               

Taking Leaps of Faith

Missing my Markie!!!

 This year, God gave Mark and I a theme of taking leaps of faith...and they have already begun. 

A week ago I took my first leap by traveling alone with Zoey to Kansas, to visit my mom and sister. This required two flights, with a layover both ways.  I felt confident in doing so, since I have traveled so much in the past.  This, however, was far different than traveling on my own or with Mark. Although Zoey did fabulously on the planes, there were a few challenges:
1.  I stubbornly refused to check any bags on the way there, which resulted in frantic running through the airports, screaming, hungry baby crying in my ergo, and bags fumbling on the ground.  Thank God for kind people out there!
2.  Zoey had a diaper explosion in the airport, and with all my bags, I refused to go to the bathroom and just took care of business on my lap...don't judge!
3.  Once at my mom's house, I experienced cries from Zoey that I had never heard before; uncontrollable screeches, along with a crazy every-hour appetite.  Maybe a growth spurt, or maybe something I ate...who knows.  Most of the time she was great!

All in all, we had a wonderful time: had a photo session with Zoey, introduced her to Aunti K for the first time, was treated to a pedicure (my first one in over 10 years) and a massage for an early Mother's Day gift (thanks mommy, you're the best), and tons more.

So my second leap of faith was to share at my mom's church about what Mark and I will be doing in Tanzania, as well as our story and hearts for the forgotten and marginalized.  The morning service went fine (it was only 5 minutes) and we sold some of the purses made by some of the girls we will be partnering with.  Zoey had aunti and a bottle to take care of her.  The night service, however, was for about 40 minutes of talking. Yeah, 40 minutes is a long time and I felt so inadequate.  That was the first time I have spoken that long at a church.  And meek, insecure little me rose to the occasion and was empowered by God to be His vessel.  Although I felt I did a bad job, people affirmed me that God spoke to them.  So crazy, that God even uses me for His purposes.  It's so much easier to believe that He can use others, even in their weaknesses, but it's a whole other story when it comes to trusting Him in MY weaknesses.

Anyways, all went well and I was extremely empowered in many ways.  I even felt a bit prideful in the airport as I waited for my ride at LAX, until I was put in my place by a woman with twins and a toddler, all by herself!  Serves me right :)

P.S.  All you single moms out there, ROCK!  Nuff said!

P.S.S. I have to survive another week without Mark as he is in Colorado helping his brother move.  Already I have faced the challenge of an extreme migraine, gagging into a bowl as I breastfed and tried to soothe Zoey from an outburst...yikes!  I can't WAIT to see his happy face!!!

Missing my girls!!!

Confessions of a New Mom: Eating Disorders and Motherhood

Growing up I was a very insecure child…my personality and my looks were never good enough in my mind.  So I became a people pleaser and in high school, this meant being thin and beautiful as to attract attention from guys.  Society set the bar so high that the only way I felt I could reach it was by skipping meals…which eventually led to only a few small snacks a day.  A snicker bar or a soft pretzel, was all I allotted myself for a day.  All because I felt I wasn't good enough, beautiful enough. 

 Between my freshman and sophomore year, I went from a size 9 to a 1, and for a 5' 7" girl, this was not healthy.  My hair was thin and brittle, but I didn't care.  The guys noticed me, and I was getting compliments from everyone.  "You look so skinny Brittany.  You look great!"  was what I would hear.  Eventually, the compliments turned into concerns like "you're not anorexic are you?"  But this didn't stop me, and neither did some of my friends who shared some of the same unhealthy habits.  I remember exchanging tips in conversations with friends, like doing sit-ups when we felt hungry to suppress the hunger pains, or to eat potatoes for a meal in order to make us feel more full.  We were sick…sick in our minds without even knowing it.  

Fortunately, this only lasted about 6 to 9 months.  I had reached my goal, had guys asking me out (not many though, I wasn't popular by any means lol), and I felt great.  So I began eating again, but over indulging, thinking I could eat whatever I want.  This began catching up to me throughout college, until I got married.  While my weight did fluctuate up and down, like riding a roller coaster, I did eventually begin binging and vomiting up the food.  It was easier to eat and enjoy what I wanted and then just throw it up, despite my hubby's affirming words of my beauty!

So I have struggled with this up until my pregnancy, which I then gave it up.  I wasn't an avid bulimic before, I only did it when I over indulged, at parties and such…ONLY!  (Sad that I said only because it wasn't all the time)

As I struggle with my image, a postpartum body…a new mom's body, I take a look at my daughter and think to myself "is this something I want my daughter to struggle with?"  Because I know that she will study and imitate me as she matures into a woman someday, who faces the same issues of trying to fit in.  Even though she will be raised in Africa, each culture has their standards: of beauty, intelligence, strength, whatever makes a person more valuable in a culture's eyes.

So now I am praying that God will become my focus, desiring more of Him than pleasing others.  Because this issue is much deeper than eating disorders...it's putting other peoples' opinions above God's opinion of me!  I want to be an example to my daughter, as I live out what it means to be a woman of God.  May we as Christ followers learn to put all of our energy into seeking God, making Him our everything!

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thristy for more.  I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace.  I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.  Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to my soul, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away'  Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.  In Jesus' Name, Amen."  
                                                                                                                ~Tozer, The Pursuit of God