10 Things I Do in Tanzania that I NEVER did in California!

I’ve been reflecting on how natural certain projects and routines have become to me, and then I realized it...  I’m a Crunchy Mom/Missionary.  If you’ve never heard that term, then don’t worry about it haha!

Without even meaning to, I’ve become a lot healthier and more natural than I’ve ever been or imagined being. So I’ve decided to share a list of just some of the things I do here in Tanzania that I never did in California - not out of necessity really, but more out of frugality.  

I want to make it clear that other women here don’t necessarily do the things that I do, and don’t really have to…these are simply my choices and ways of saving money.  I don’t want to give the impression that we rough it here so much that we have to make our own butter or anything…although some choose to (we're all learning our way forward which is great). Contrary to many people’s ideas of Tanzania (or Africa in general), many things are readily available in the cities, but they often come at a high cost (literally expensive). 

Okay, enough on that, let’s get to the good stuff. In no particular order:

1. Cut my own hair… 
9 inches to be exact.  There is a missionary here who is a hairstylist, but she was out of the country and I needed a cut desperately, so I watched YouTube and BAM… risky I know, but it was worth it.

2. Make a Christmas tree…
bare, empty branches, duct tape (always does the trick), christmas lights, local fabric & ornaments.

3. Boil water for bath time (and some showers)…
we have electric water heaters on our shower heads, but they don’t always work and the electricity has to be on which isn’t consistent at all. 

4. Boil water for dish washing…
no electric heaters on the sink or hot water in the house

5. Make my own face wash…
it’s more natural and cheaper to use ingredients here than ship a ton from the states. (it’s main ingredients are honey and coconut oil)

6. Make shampoo and body wash…
mostly for Zoey because they don’t have natural versions here, so I bought a large bottle of Castille soap in liquid and make it myself…saved room for the move here.

7. Use cloth menstrual pads…
that's right, no tampons here. And they take up too much space in luggage for a year or two’s worth in my opinion.  I NEVER imagined doing this, and I’m aware it seems disgusting…just call me a pioneer woman.  We’ll see how long this lasts lol.

8. Cook spaghetti sauce (and lots of other foods) from scratch…
if you know me, I’m not a big fan of cooking so this is a stretch for me…apple sauce, tomato sauce, cake batter, and the list goes on.

9. Buy milk from a pickup truck…
once a week Zoey and I go bring an empty oil jug and pay to have it filled with local cow’s milk…and then pasteurize it when we get home.

10. Use glass coke bottles for candle holders and decorations…
there’s nothing a little fabric or string can’t cover up and make a cute design…you learn to be creative with little resources, which is my kind of crafting!

There are probably tons more that I just don’t even think about any more…so I’ll leave it for next time.  You may think I’m crazy, but it’s kind of fun to try new things, and I’m glad to be raising Zoey with a more natural lifestyle! 

I'm Putting the Gavel Away!

You have probably noticed by now a pattern or theme to my blog posts of late.  But I've just noticed it now.

I'm learning ALOT about myself, my family, and who God desires me to be, and then going beyond that.  It's such a humbling process, and while I feel I have been a decently self-aware person, I've done little to nothing to develop who I am.  I've used excuse after excuse about how I was raised, but when do we move past that?

NOW!  So my next confession is that I have been such a judgmental person, in particular towards missionaries.  I used to think that a good missionary woman was like GI Jane...strong, tough, could handle living in a little hut with dirt floors, no electricity, and still be very present with the local people, serving them with all of her time and efforts.  Then, at the end of the day, spend all of her energy studying her Bible and doing other spiritual things.  

Never did I imagine myself living in a house with more than one bedroom, electricity working more often than not, having someone help me in the house (I'll save that story for later), and having decent internet.  In fact, I judged missionaries in the past for such things, thinking that they are living such a "comfortable" life and showing off all of their wealth.

Oh, how I'm learning...and I apologize for this attitude, especially to all of my missionary friends.  I've wrestled with guilt for some time now and have discovered through life experiences and wisdom from some east african friends that it's not about what we HAVE, but more about the condition of our HEARTS and how we use it all to love our neighbors.  In the words of a wise Kenyan friend we invited over a few weeks ago: "You could have a very simple, small house and not love and bless others, staying to yourself, or you could have a bigger house and be warm and caring for others. It's about your heart - people will see that."  

The fact is, I could do everything myself here, from scratch, and rough it completely.  I did it in Papua New Guinea for a year.  But does that really make me a good missionary?  Not really.  I was often so exhausted from life, cross-cultural differences, and many other things that I had little energy to invest in others.  But as a mom who has lots to do now, I really appreciate having a home with a few modern amenities that allow me to invest my efforts into more important, more transformational purposes for others. 

I don't know where you are at in your opinions, but please avoid what I have done and take the time to put yourself in other's shoes and remember all of the things they have left behind in order to invest their time, love, and energy into seeing others uplifted and empowered!  Most of all, give them grace, because missionary women are no more perfect and are on the same learning journey that we all are on. 

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

                                                                             ~Matthew 7:1-5

Getting My Priorities Straight

It's been such a long time, it seems, since I sat down and took the time to share my thoughts.  We have been pretty busy, as you can imagine, although it has been at a good pace.  In fact, we are experiencing so much peace since coming to Moshi because we don't feel as if we are in limbo anymore.  Which means, we are planting roots here and feeling at home.

Since having Zoey 11 months ago, I have felt so much anxiety, both with being a new parent and in knowing that we were moving here, leaving family behind.  So much so, that while I did have some joy in the midst of it, I can see now that I lacked joy most of the time and was focusing on the future too much.  I beat myself up many times for not focusing on Zoey enough or not keeping her on track with certain developmental stages.  

But the last month has changed my lifestyle and I can honestly say that a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  Is life really any easier here than it was back in Pasadena?  HECK NO!!! But I feel that God has given me grace and is causing a paradigm shift in my priorities.  

Just two days ago, Mark and I were talking about what God is doing in our lives.  Multitasking by downloading parenting discs onto my itunes, I went to go place them back on the shelf, and was reminded by God that I'm really good at putting all of my energy and time into figuring out how to be a good mom for Zoey...doing lots of research, stressing over decisions, and seeking advice.  But then it was clear to me that I don't put that same effort into being a good daughter...daughter to God the Father.  I know that may sound weird, but I've learned a lot about God through motherhood and my love for Zoey.  I look at her with so much love and just desire her to lay in my arms and let me love on her.  But now I need to learn to be like a baby, resting in my Heavenly Father's arms, enjoying time with Him instead of being busy and doing my own thing.  

So that's it...I need to kick my butt into gear and just take the time.  And though it may not seem like there is time, I am learning from Tanzanians that time is the one thing that there is always more of and things can wait 'til tomorrow.

Day Dreams

We have been here for a little over a month. How time has flown. It just seems like yesterday that we were frantically packing and tidying up last minute necessities for our departure. And yet at the same time, our old life seems so distant, so long ago, as if it were another life.

While settling in to our new home, we have found so much joy…other times we have been frustrated to the point of screaming (when I say “us”, I mean ME). It’s amazing how the smallest details of daily life can bring you to that point.

One petty example is our washing machine that has not been working since we bought it almost 4 weeks ago. In the scheme of things, this sounds spoiled to even complain about. Geese, I mean some people don’t even have that luxury as an option, which I am fully aware of. And yet, I still boil with frustration because I know that I am in desperate need to wash my baby’s cloth diapers.

I don’t want to go down this path of petty complaints and annoyances. Rather, I have rediscovered a lesson that I learned a few years back when living in Papua New Guinea.

In the midst of these situations, I find myself wandering to a distant land which I once called home and think, hmmm…”life was so much easier in Cali. When things were broken, they got fixed. This stuff was so much cheaper in Cali…” Blablablah.

As soon as I step away from myself and clear the dreamy blur effect (like Ralphie on A Christmas Story), I am able to remember reality. Life wasn’t easier in Cali. We faced many struggles which may have looked different, but they were REAL.

My Day Dreaming Face 

I think living abroad, in particular a developing nation such as Tanzania, it is sometimes easy to glamorize our lifestyles we’ve grown comfortable with. Living in a different culture definitely has it’s challenges, but I am praying that God will teach me how to see this place, this way of living, this culture as the norm. The truth is, not a single country is perfect. We all have our problems, a failures, our blindspots. But if we seek God in the midst of these frustrations and challenges, we can discover a hidden beauty that allows us to trust Him and see Him in all countries, cultures, and people groups. I’m certainly not perfect and in much need of grace and love.

Lord, lead me to be patient and to trust you in the mundane, the daily frustrations I face. And help me to see your face and your hands guiding me to extend the same to those around me.

Thriving

I am home…at least it is starting to feel like it!  We have been in Moshi, Tanzania for a little over 2 weeks now and I can’t believe how quickly my emotions have changed from sadness to joy!  Thanks to everyone’s prayers, God is changing my heart attitude and perspective.  

So I have been a busy bee, going in to town to shop for everything we need in our kitchen and everything else we need to make our home functional, get Zoey into a routine, wean her from some of our night feedings, changing her naps from 3 to 2 a day, etc.  And yet somehow God has been giving me strength to get through it all and enjoy some time learning Swahili and how to cook like a Tanzanian.  My first priority here is to take care of my family, but my second priority is to approach this country with humility by laying my pride aside and learning from our friends here.  Tanzanians have so much to teach us about their ways of living and culture. 

This means being laughed at many times because I’m so different from them and do things differently.  But one of the most important lessons I learned from our time in Papua New Guinea  is to be okay with sticking out and looking silly.  People don’t mean to be rude when they laugh.  So instead, I just laugh with them because I DO look silly sometimes and that’s okay.  

Some of my friends have spoken words of encouragement over me, and things are becoming clearer to see that I'm going to THRIVE here...and I've already begun to!

Zoey playing with Mama Salma

Shopping in Moshi

Heading to a Meeting

Praying over the ground as we planted Banana trees!

Dancing with my girl!

Making Maple Leaf cookies with Mama Salma

Making shampoo for Zoey

Mama Salma teaching me to make Chapati

One More!

It’s midnight…and I’m almost going on a week of a few hours of sleep at night.  We’ve arrived to Moshi, Tanzania.  Our new home!

We’ve been planning this transition for 2 years now, and yet it is so much harder than I ever imagined.  I lie here in bed, thinking, I wish I had one more hug from my mom, one more movie with my family, one more run to Trader Joe’s, one more sunset at the beach, one more…one more…one more!!!

But the reality is that there is never enough and there will always be a desire for one more “fill in the blank.”  

So for now, it’s time to embrace what I have and the blessings that the Lord has given me:  a wonderful, encouraging husband, a beautiful, joyful baby girl, a loving, embracing community, and house to call home, and most importantly, I have the love of our Father in Heaven who is with me through it all!

May this transition in my life be full of joy and embrace while I mourn the life that I once knew and engage in the one in my path! 

Fear, Fear Go Away, and Come Again NEVER!!!

Lately I have been letting fear get the best of me...which is just NOT ok.

"What if I have a migraine today...tomorrow...next week.  How will I take care of Zoey if so?

Should I hang out with my friend next Friday, even though I have had a pattern of migraines every Friday?

What if I am never healed of them and I have to live the rest of my life with them?  Then how can I be a good mother to my sweet girl?  Can I face having another child when my pain got worse during my first pregnancy?

What if my migraines get worse in Tanzania?  How then can God use me?"

I could go on and on with the list that is in my head.  I have had fears of other little silly things, like missing Zoey's bed time (and I'm not a hardcore scheduled person) in fear that the stress of it might bring on a migraine.

But the truth of the matter is that living in the land of "what if's" can be more crippling than any migraine.

Recently, the Lord has placed on my heart the story of Moses, where God asks him to go free the Israelites from slavery, but Moses objects to God.  I've learned that his lack of trust in God to use him, even with his imperfections, is something I can relate to.  God's response to Moses astounds me "Who gave man his mouth?  Who makes him deaf or mute?  Who gives him sight or makes him blind?  Is it not I the Lord?

So I've decided I need to release the fear to God and allow Him teach me to trust Him through it all.

The reality is that my life really isn't that hard, especially compared to some of my amazing friends who live with joy, despite truly crippling sicknesses and circumstances.  These friends truly inspire me and remind me to CHOOSE JOY!  And God has been so good to me and helped me through every migraine to this day, in so many random ways!

Lord, may I walk in faith, knowing that I can trust you no matter my circumstances.  Strengthen and heal me, both spiritually and physically, so that I can be used by you.

P.S. I don't intend this post to be a sob story, seeking advice for my migraines nor for it to be a theological discussion.  I'm just sharing my life with you all...the pieces of me that are hard to tell when others ask me briefly how I'm doing.

Want to Know a Secret?

Yes, there are days that I wish I looked as glamorous as this!

People who have gotten to know me over the last 10 years, since my freshman year of college (can't believe I'm THAT old lol) have never seen me with my nails done, fancy make-up, tons of shoes, etc. Basically, they often think that I don't prefer to pamper myself.

But here's a little secret I'm going to let you in on:  I did not grow up this way.  In fact, during my middle school and high school days I frequented beauty shops, getting my nails and toes done twice a month, eye brows waxed, hair highlighted, while reading fashion magazines, etc.  I had my dad buy me all expensive name brand clothes like Roxy, Billabong, Hollister (yes I was a product of the 90's).  The list goes on, but I'm sure you get the picture.

I want to debunk the idea that many people have about me:

Simplicity is NOT easy or natural for me.  My childhood proves this.  But I have been slowly transformed over the years by Jesus who has fixed my eyes and heart on more important things, readjusted my priorities, and given me the grace to let go of many luxuries that I have learned to love.

Yes, I still like expensive perfumes and the occasional pedicure and I really wish I could get my hair done somewhere other than Paul Mitchell School (where it takes over 2 hours just to stinkin' cut my hair)... but the little sacrifices I am learning to make in order to invest in to other peoples lives is far more valuable than any self desire (this goes beyond just financial sacrifices, but where I spend my time as well).

And this transformation did not begin when I decided to move overseas, but rather when I started to grow deeper in my relationship with Jesus.

So is the point of my little spiel to be self-righteous and tell everyone else to abandon their ways of living?  Certainly not, because I serve a God who does not demand legalism.  In fact, we can NEVER be perfect enough, which is why Jesus came to be a perfect sacrifice for imperfect people.  But I do think that following Jesus requires us to be sacrificial in our lives, as we are all transformed in a loving relationship to desire more of Him and less of ourselves and the things of this world.  This looks totally different for every person and it is a long process.

So lets encourage one another as we put Jesus and others above ourselves, while extending grace as we are all in different places of this journey to Christ-likeness.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing and perfect will."

~Romans 12:2 

Embracing the Here and the Not Yet

Moving to another country has it's own challenges.

And then add on being a new mom and you have a whole whirlwind of emotions, tasks, and relationships to manage...it's a beautiful mess!

But what I am finding to be my biggest challenge these days is finding the balance between living in the Here and the Not Yet.  I so want to be present with my family and friends, embrace every little up and down I have with Zoey, and yet I have so much to do to prepare for our future move.

Here's just a glimpse of things to do:
-raise the funds for us to move
-find international health coverage
-get Zoey's passport
-buy tickets
-research and buy developmentally appropriate toys, games, puzzles and books for Zoey from 9 months to 2 years
-figure out what is coming and what is staying behind
-and the list goes on and on...(I hope I'm not complaining, just sharing the challenges of moving to overseas)

I didn't fully realize this was such an issue until I spoke with my friend Melissa who has just moved to join our organization in Tanzania with her husband and baby girl Promise.

And I'm sure that we all have to juggle this concept, it just looks different for everyone.  I am just feeling as if it is impossible to find the balance.

I feel this is like my relationship with Christ.  He wants me to embrace Him here and now, to draw close to Him and enjoy His presence.  But at the same time, He calls us to look forward to His return, plan for what is ahead as we prepare for Eternity.

So I'm sure I'm making a bunch of mistakes a long the way, forgetting to get back with friends, emails, and not always on top of my packing list...but I can someday look back and say at least I was more present with my daughter!  These stages are so short and yet so crucial for development, so I will plunge forward and pray that the Holy Spirit will guide me to do what He know is best in each moment I have.

Please Forgive Me!

Adventures before Zoey!

To all my friends with children out there...

PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

I'm sorry I never truly supported you in the past, never lent you a hand, watched your kids to give you a date night and I regret it to this day.

Looking back at all of the difficult times in Papua New Guinea at the Pacific Training Course, I wonder what I could have done to just make things a little bit easier on the mamas who washed their babies diapers, managed the emotional stress of letting strangers watch your kids, and for crying out loud, washing your babies in the river while we lived in villages...all while learning a new language and culture.  You are all my heros...and I have so much to learn from you all.

And to the rest of my friends (you know who you are) thank you for your grace, even though you work hard day in and day out, and have accommodated to get together with me (since I had SO much to do...poor me lol)!

Everyday I am reminded of how selfish my life was before I had my little Zoey, always looking out for myself and meeting my needs.  I just didn't get it.  The life of parenthood is constant sacrifice and putting ourselves to the side for our little ones.  It's difficult, and yet we are reminded of its worth when we look at our beautiful, precious gifts from God.  And I'm sure all the mamas of more than one laugh at me talking about how difficult it is (and I hope to do the same one day), but for now it is challenging to me.  I lived a long life of independence as an American woman, and got used to it.

Now my emotions and thoughts are geared towards nothing but my family and I GET IT NOW!

And to all my kidless friends, head my warning and learn from my lesson.  Take a moment to offer help to the parents around you...bring them a treat, visit them, watch their kids.  It doesn't take as much time as you think...

Because only GOD knows what I did with my time before Zoey came into my life haha!

(Don't get me wrong, I know we ALL have busy lives, whether you have kids or not)

Lord, may I learn to walk in humility, putting others' needs before my own and walk in faith, knowing that you will provide strength for me to help others!

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."
                                                                                    ~Colossians 3:12

Adventures with Zoey!

Learning to Be OKAY with Just Me!

I don't
         make lavish looking meals...or very tasty ones for that matter
               
                      keep my apartment looking spick and span
                       
                                 have any outstanding talents
                               
                                           I'm just me!

And I'm learning to be content with that.  The internet is FULL of people, especially moms, who share all of their accomplishments through photos, descriptions, advice, etc.

My point is not to disregard women who are extremely talented in various ways...I just often find myself measuring up to their standards and finding myself

well...

quite inadequate.

I'm not looking for praise or affirmation.  Nor am I being a Negative Nelly lol!  Just trying to be real and encourage others who may feel the same.  I'm not horrible at the things I've listed above...just mediocre.  And that's OKAY!

Jesus sought out the forgotten, meek, and marginalized people.  While I wouldn't say that I am forgotten, our society would label me meek, and almost unvalued.

But if I'm going to Tanzania to reach out to these same people as Jesus modeled for us, then I must believe that He can use little ole' meek me.

And maybe that's just it.  Maybe God has given me the gift of relating to people.  And although this is not easily measured or visible to others, I am learning to be content with this.

May we all learn to accept God's love and grace, without performance or trying to live up to standards.  I pray that you will discover that He loves us just for being His creation...His child...and for chosing to follow His son Jesus!  Blessings to all of those fellow Mediocre Moms.

And learning to be OKAY with just who God has created us to be!

(And now off to comfort my crying, teething baby, and let that be enough!)

(Looking like a wreck...to put my Zoey's needs first and I'm proud of it!)

PS.  Thanks Mark for loving me through thick and thin, no matter what I do or don't do!  You model God's grace and love so well! XOXO

                               

Taking Leaps of Faith

Missing my Markie!!!

 This year, God gave Mark and I a theme of taking leaps of faith...and they have already begun. 

A week ago I took my first leap by traveling alone with Zoey to Kansas, to visit my mom and sister. This required two flights, with a layover both ways.  I felt confident in doing so, since I have traveled so much in the past.  This, however, was far different than traveling on my own or with Mark. Although Zoey did fabulously on the planes, there were a few challenges:
1.  I stubbornly refused to check any bags on the way there, which resulted in frantic running through the airports, screaming, hungry baby crying in my ergo, and bags fumbling on the ground.  Thank God for kind people out there!
2.  Zoey had a diaper explosion in the airport, and with all my bags, I refused to go to the bathroom and just took care of business on my lap...don't judge!
3.  Once at my mom's house, I experienced cries from Zoey that I had never heard before; uncontrollable screeches, along with a crazy every-hour appetite.  Maybe a growth spurt, or maybe something I ate...who knows.  Most of the time she was great!

All in all, we had a wonderful time: had a photo session with Zoey, introduced her to Aunti K for the first time, was treated to a pedicure (my first one in over 10 years) and a massage for an early Mother's Day gift (thanks mommy, you're the best), and tons more.

So my second leap of faith was to share at my mom's church about what Mark and I will be doing in Tanzania, as well as our story and hearts for the forgotten and marginalized.  The morning service went fine (it was only 5 minutes) and we sold some of the purses made by some of the girls we will be partnering with.  Zoey had aunti and a bottle to take care of her.  The night service, however, was for about 40 minutes of talking. Yeah, 40 minutes is a long time and I felt so inadequate.  That was the first time I have spoken that long at a church.  And meek, insecure little me rose to the occasion and was empowered by God to be His vessel.  Although I felt I did a bad job, people affirmed me that God spoke to them.  So crazy, that God even uses me for His purposes.  It's so much easier to believe that He can use others, even in their weaknesses, but it's a whole other story when it comes to trusting Him in MY weaknesses.

Anyways, all went well and I was extremely empowered in many ways.  I even felt a bit prideful in the airport as I waited for my ride at LAX, until I was put in my place by a woman with twins and a toddler, all by herself!  Serves me right :)

P.S.  All you single moms out there, ROCK!  Nuff said!

P.S.S. I have to survive another week without Mark as he is in Colorado helping his brother move.  Already I have faced the challenge of an extreme migraine, gagging into a bowl as I breastfed and tried to soothe Zoey from an outburst...yikes!  I can't WAIT to see his happy face!!!

Missing my girls!!!

Confessions of a New Mom: Eating Disorders and Motherhood

Growing up I was a very insecure child…my personality and my looks were never good enough in my mind.  So I became a people pleaser and in high school, this meant being thin and beautiful as to attract attention from guys.  Society set the bar so high that the only way I felt I could reach it was by skipping meals…which eventually led to only a few small snacks a day.  A snicker bar or a soft pretzel, was all I allotted myself for a day.  All because I felt I wasn't good enough, beautiful enough. 

 Between my freshman and sophomore year, I went from a size 9 to a 1, and for a 5' 7" girl, this was not healthy.  My hair was thin and brittle, but I didn't care.  The guys noticed me, and I was getting compliments from everyone.  "You look so skinny Brittany.  You look great!"  was what I would hear.  Eventually, the compliments turned into concerns like "you're not anorexic are you?"  But this didn't stop me, and neither did some of my friends who shared some of the same unhealthy habits.  I remember exchanging tips in conversations with friends, like doing sit-ups when we felt hungry to suppress the hunger pains, or to eat potatoes for a meal in order to make us feel more full.  We were sick…sick in our minds without even knowing it.  

Fortunately, this only lasted about 6 to 9 months.  I had reached my goal, had guys asking me out (not many though, I wasn't popular by any means lol), and I felt great.  So I began eating again, but over indulging, thinking I could eat whatever I want.  This began catching up to me throughout college, until I got married.  While my weight did fluctuate up and down, like riding a roller coaster, I did eventually begin binging and vomiting up the food.  It was easier to eat and enjoy what I wanted and then just throw it up, despite my hubby's affirming words of my beauty!

So I have struggled with this up until my pregnancy, which I then gave it up.  I wasn't an avid bulimic before, I only did it when I over indulged, at parties and such…ONLY!  (Sad that I said only because it wasn't all the time)

As I struggle with my image, a postpartum body…a new mom's body, I take a look at my daughter and think to myself "is this something I want my daughter to struggle with?"  Because I know that she will study and imitate me as she matures into a woman someday, who faces the same issues of trying to fit in.  Even though she will be raised in Africa, each culture has their standards: of beauty, intelligence, strength, whatever makes a person more valuable in a culture's eyes.

So now I am praying that God will become my focus, desiring more of Him than pleasing others.  Because this issue is much deeper than eating disorders...it's putting other peoples' opinions above God's opinion of me!  I want to be an example to my daughter, as I live out what it means to be a woman of God.  May we as Christ followers learn to put all of our energy into seeking God, making Him our everything!

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thristy for more.  I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace.  I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.  Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to my soul, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away'  Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.  In Jesus' Name, Amen."  
                                                                                                                ~Tozer, The Pursuit of God

I Quit!

Yesterday I made it official.  I am a "Home Maker," "Stay at Home Mom," or whatever else you call it.

It was such a strange experience driving to work this morning, knowing that I was turning in my 3 weeks notice.  So surreal...and full of mixed emotions (although mostly joyful ones).  Walking in the office made me feel like I had been gone forever, and then at the same time like I had never left.  It was so great catching up with people and introducing Zoey to all of my friends and co-workers.  By the way, all went well with the news, or at least I think it did.

At one of many Ed Tech conferences with my colleagues/friends!

So now I get to invest most of my time in the BEST job in the world: raising my Zoey girl.  I'm so thrilled and honored to have this opportunity, full of gratitude and thanksgiving to God!

However, there are some sacrifices that this mama must make in order to do this.  Mark and I are certainly not well off enough to live a lavish (or even "normal") lifestyle.  I have always been a pretty frugal person, but I have to learn to cut back even more.  My iphone, for instance, has been traded for an "old school" (few years old) slider phone and will be turning in my laptop and iPad mini to my employers.  I have been spoiled working for an Educational Technology department with all the bells and whistles that come along with it.  Benefits that some of us take for granted will be out the door.  All of these mean nothing to me compared to the joy I will experience watching the milestones of my baby's life unfold before my eyes.

Sometimes the most beautiful and worthy things in life come at a price, a sacrifice, and even pain at times.  Jesus and His disciples modeled this well!

And just so you know, all I ever wanted to do before college was be a stay-at-home mom, and then that changed to the other extreme during and after college.  The last 5 years I never would have imagined trading in my independent and professional lifestyle to find spit-up all over my PJs, which I work in most of the time around the house, barely finding time to do my hair, wash my face, let alone take a shower.  Yes, I am not only embracing this new lifestyle, but loving most of it.  Oh man, sometimes I can't help but laugh at myself, for the shifts of thoughts and ideas I have had compared to the realities of life I have experienced.  Oh, how God must laugh even more!

Am I worried about losing my identity as a professional in the workforce?  A little...yet I know the truth in that my identity can only be found in my creator, God, who knows what is best for me and my family.  I still have so much more to learn what this looks like, but am looking forward to continuing on this path of discovery.

DISCLAIMER:  I don't mean to offend anyone by this post, especially those who are not able to make the decision I have made. I am very aware that each person's circumstances are different.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

    your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

    Do not forsake the work of your hands.

                                                                   ~Psalm 138:8

11 Things I Thought I'd NEVER Say or Do!

I am a stubborn woman sometimes, who loves to prove a point.  And believe it or not, even judgmental at times... yikes! Those of you who know me well can vouch to this.  This is even more true as I have embarked on this journey of motherhood, but God is always working on transforming us into His likeness, if we let Him.  Lately He has been teaching me to Never Say Never Again! Oh, how I have been humbled lately.

So here are the 11 Things I Thought I'd NEVER Say or Do:

1.  Have children.
     Read my blog post "I Will NEVER Have Kids" for understanding!

2.  Use my mouth to clean a filthy pacifier after picking up God knows what from the floor.
     I'm kind of a germ-a-phobe.

3.  Take a bath.
    My mom and hubby made me in order to heal my hemorrhoids. Yes, I do shower.  I just hate the     thought of sitting in my own filth...even since the age of 5, I was VERY aware of the hair and dirt that collected towards the back of the tub.  Hence, I would sit as close to the running faucet, since I was forced to take baths with not only myself...but with friends as a little kid. What were our parents thinking? I am fully aware that this too may be added to the list in the future.

4.  Compare myself to others.
     Through both lenses of how much I suck, and to be brutally honest, how I think I'm doing better than others.  Pride is a viscous thing...but so is insecurity! I have hopes to find the balance, through God's grace.

5.  Compare my baby to others.
     Ok, i get it now that all moms think their baby is the cutest.

6.  Enjoy breastfeeding. 
     Even in the middle of the night...although exhausted, I love to see my baby girl smile, knowing she is getting to eat soon. It's so fun cuddling her and watching her latch on, kicking her feet around and tugging on my shirt collar...so precious!

7.  Miss my baby after being away for even 10 minutes.
     Don't get me wrong, I love passing her around at get-togethers.  But I used to think moms were crazy when they missed their babies...like, don't you spend almost every minute of the day with them?  But guess what?  I do the same thing now lol!

8.  Embrace a natural labor.  
     Never in a million years would I have thought that I could endure giving birth without pain meds, until I was prego and ready to take on the challenge.  Here is my blog post "It Smells Like Blueberries" to read more on the story.

9.  Receive satisfaction in changing a poopy diaper.  
     Although messy, it's wonderful to see proof that my baby is eating well and is growing strong.  Even if this means a poop spray or two onto mom, dad, and whatever else is in range.

10.  Post a dozen pictures of my baby on FB.  
       Well, I don't, but my hubby does.  And I LOVE it!  So what if we are proud parents...this stage will go by too quickly and we live too far away from most of our loved ones for them to see her progressions.

11.  Spend time looking at photos/videos of other people's babies...
       ...rather than going out with my friends - BTW I still LOVE going out with my friends, but I also enjoy lounging at home, looking at precious little ones that God has created.  Go Moms!

Here is a good verse that encourages me to avoid comparisons and judgements.  Rather, I desire to be the mother that God desires me to be, full of grace, love and humility towards other moms!

Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

It smells like blueberries!!!

"It smells like blueberries!" I claimed as I came into the living room. My husband and mom looked at me like I was crazy.  And then I gasped for air, dropped my pants and shouted "I think my water broke.  Come and check!"

...and that is how my journey through labor began.

My mom, in town from Kansas to help with labor and the baby, had just watched "What to Expect When You're Expecting" with me, as I bounced on my exercise ball to help naturally induce labor.  It was a Friday night, and I was 5 days past my due date.  

Now whether my water broke or it was "bloody show," I wasn't sure.  But unlike Hollywood likes to portray it, we did not rush in a panic out the door to the hospital.  In fact, that night my contractions began, starting the SLOW process of my labor at home.  After tracking the timing of my contractions on the "contractions" app from my iPad, I walked with my mom the next day…and with each contraction, stopped and did a hula hoop dance, using my hips to move the baby down, while making a low-tone moan to help with the pain (thanks Ryan Helbling for the suggestion because it truly helped)!  

All of this was done at the mall too.  And no, I was not embarrassed one bit!  I was in the zone, focused.

The worse my contractions got, the more support I got from my wonderful hubby and mom.  They dimmed the lights, lit candles, played "Charlie Brown Christmas" and slow danced with me through the contractions.  I really enjoyed being at home, feeling comfortable to walk around with no clothes and do what I felt I needed to do.

The only problem was, unlike most people told me, I wasn't sure when I should head to the hospital.  My contractions were like a roller coaster: for a few hours they would intensify, growing closer together and lasting longer (which is a sign to head out) and then they would slow down and spread out.  So we called many people for advice (thanks to my sister-in-law, aunt, and friend who is a midwife).  But on Sunday afternoon, we finally decided to go.  

Leaving for the hospital!

I was convinced that I was pretty far along, but when we got to the hospital they gave me disappointing information upon examination: I was dilated only to 1, but was effaced at 80%.  Tears started to come as they told me my water had broken, so they couldn't send me home and the midwife encouraged me to be induced right away.  WHAT?  This was NOT on my birth plan.  However, the midwife at Kaiser was changing shifts, and a wonderful woman replaced her who wanted to leave me alone to try it all naturally.  So I was able to walk around freely, take a shower, and labor as I pleased.  It was wonderful.  I even cracked a few jokes and laughed many times in between contractions!  I had the lights dimmed and more Charlie Brown Christmas playing all night long. My mom, sister-in-law and husband all rotated to help me out, rubbing my back and be my voice to the nurses and midwife.  

The hospital pads are HUGE and made me laugh!

All was great until they needed things to progress, giving me pitocin in small increments, which intensified my contractions to the point of exhaustion.  Then they gave me a sedative in hopes that I could sleep a little, which worked, but I could still feel the pain of the contractions.  Not long after this, I was up and about again, but the contractions were so often and intense that I was bleeding and peeing on the floor as I walked around.  With each contraction, I wanted to push so badly, but the midwife kept saying that I wasn't ready because I was too calm.  So I fought hard, with little success, at trying not to push, but my body kept telling me to do so.  They made me wait an hour, and then did an examination to see how far I was dilated.  The midwife was shocked to find me at a 9, and then as I accidentally pushed during a contraction, increased to a 9 1/2.  
It was Go Time!!!  She quickly grabbed her tools, told Mark and my mom to hold my legs, and then guided me in my pushing techniques.  In my birth plan, I requested a squatting bar, but the midwife said she didn't feel comfortable because she hadn't taken the time to show me how to use it.  Trust me, by this point, I just wanted to meet my baby girl!!  

I was FULL of adrenaline, ready to finally have Zoey in my arms.  I forgot about all the pain and pushed with all my might.  About 13 minutes had gone by, and the midwife broke the news that she HAD to give me an episiotomy, without giving me any explanation.  Once again, I didn't care.  Just wanted my baby girl.  Surprisingly, I hardly felt anything.  Another minute of pushing, and she was out and placed on my chest.  THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!  Truly, the most adrenaline I have ever felt, and instant love for my girl.  Another 10 minutes later, she was latched right on as I began to breastfeed her.

Truly an amazing experience.  The pain I experienced after that, as my body healed, was nothing to me.  My focus was completely on Zoey…and I have enjoyed every moment of sacrificing sleep and independence for her sake.  

So, this mama who once said she would never have kids, has a beautiful baby girl now and is already looking forward to adding more to the family…after a few years of course!  May God bless and use our family to make an impact on this broken, hurting world!  

What to do now?

Disclaimer: I wrote this post a few days ago, in the midst of feeling overwhelmed.  With that being said, I hope it doesn't come across too depressing...I absolutely LOVE being a mother to my beautiful Zoey, and can't imagine a better way to live my life now!

Three weeks ago, I experienced the most beautiful, and yet painful time of my life: labor.  It was a long process, about 3 days, of ups and downs with the consistency (or lack thereof) of my contractions.  My mom was in town from Kansas to help Mark and I before and after the baby came, and to help us through labor.  I planned on doing it naturally, and I was able to make it through with little interventions, and no epidural.  I used many techniques, including slow dancing with Mark and low-tone moaning during each contraction, and had an amazing team of Mark, my mom, and my sister-in-law Jeannie, to keep a calm atmosphere, massage my back, keep me hydrated, be my voice to the midwives, and most importantly, keep the "Charlie Brown Christmas" album repeating.  I labored mostly at home, with walks on my street, in the mall, movie watching with my mom, and tons of laughter.  But it was hard, especially during "transition" which is usually the most difficult part.  I was walking all around the hospital room, bleeding and peeing because I couldn't keep from pushing.  But you know what?  It was worth every moment because the 15 minutes that I pushed, I had all the energy in the world (thanks to Oxytocin), knowing that any moment I would get to meet my daughter, whom I carried, suffered for, and felt move inside of me for 41 weeks!

As they placed her on my chest, covered in "cottage cheese" (I don't know what it's officially called) I teared up and felt the most joy, love, and empowerment I have ever felt, not only for my new baby girl, but also for my mom and hubby, who held my legs the whole time I was pushing and saw me through the whole process.

Since this moment, I have experienced so many emotions, it's exhausting just thinking about it, not to mention the physical pain of recovering from labor (hello hemorrhoids), neck, shoulder pain, and headaches.  Tears of joy came like a flood the first few days, as I embraced my amazing miracle given to me from my Heavenly Father...then the blues approached as I knew that my mom would be leaving soon.  I so enjoyed having her around and felt so much closer to her because of this intimate experience.  I also get the Christmas blues every year, and knew that this one would be even harder to let go of.

The first few weeks, Zoey slept most of the time and did really well.  And yet I rode an emotional roller coaster as I faced moments of panic as to which theory and advice I should follow: Baby Wise, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, or Dr. Sears' Attachment Parenting?  I wanted to hold and embrace my knew little love, but was afraid of forming bad habits in her.  I worried "should I feed on demand, or should I schedule the feeding times?" but my mom chimed in and eased my mind by just telling me to follow my instincts.  This worked for those first few weeks, until a few days ago.  Zoey's personality seems to be changing and her cries are not recognizable to me any more.  I've spent days trying to get to know her cues and learn her language, which works for some days, and then the next I feel as if I don't know her at all!  It's so exhausting...and even though I have been warned about this, I've learned that you can't prepare enough for it until you experience it for yourself.

I love every little ounce of her, and want to be the best mother I can.  So I'm releasing it all to God, who knows Zoey in every way!  He created her for crying out loud.  Each and every moment I am forced to rely on Him, for wisdom and strength...which is a great thing.  So despite the ups and downs, and the utter confusion and helplessness I feel, I am so grateful and feel honored to have the opportunity to be trusted with raising and discipling my baby girl and pray that I will do the best that I can and trust God to make up for my shortcomings (which is almost everything)!

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

                                                                                ~Matthew 11:28-30