What to do now?

Disclaimer: I wrote this post a few days ago, in the midst of feeling overwhelmed.  With that being said, I hope it doesn't come across too depressing...I absolutely LOVE being a mother to my beautiful Zoey, and can't imagine a better way to live my life now!

Three weeks ago, I experienced the most beautiful, and yet painful time of my life: labor.  It was a long process, about 3 days, of ups and downs with the consistency (or lack thereof) of my contractions.  My mom was in town from Kansas to help Mark and I before and after the baby came, and to help us through labor.  I planned on doing it naturally, and I was able to make it through with little interventions, and no epidural.  I used many techniques, including slow dancing with Mark and low-tone moaning during each contraction, and had an amazing team of Mark, my mom, and my sister-in-law Jeannie, to keep a calm atmosphere, massage my back, keep me hydrated, be my voice to the midwives, and most importantly, keep the "Charlie Brown Christmas" album repeating.  I labored mostly at home, with walks on my street, in the mall, movie watching with my mom, and tons of laughter.  But it was hard, especially during "transition" which is usually the most difficult part.  I was walking all around the hospital room, bleeding and peeing because I couldn't keep from pushing.  But you know what?  It was worth every moment because the 15 minutes that I pushed, I had all the energy in the world (thanks to Oxytocin), knowing that any moment I would get to meet my daughter, whom I carried, suffered for, and felt move inside of me for 41 weeks!

As they placed her on my chest, covered in "cottage cheese" (I don't know what it's officially called) I teared up and felt the most joy, love, and empowerment I have ever felt, not only for my new baby girl, but also for my mom and hubby, who held my legs the whole time I was pushing and saw me through the whole process.

Since this moment, I have experienced so many emotions, it's exhausting just thinking about it, not to mention the physical pain of recovering from labor (hello hemorrhoids), neck, shoulder pain, and headaches.  Tears of joy came like a flood the first few days, as I embraced my amazing miracle given to me from my Heavenly Father...then the blues approached as I knew that my mom would be leaving soon.  I so enjoyed having her around and felt so much closer to her because of this intimate experience.  I also get the Christmas blues every year, and knew that this one would be even harder to let go of.

The first few weeks, Zoey slept most of the time and did really well.  And yet I rode an emotional roller coaster as I faced moments of panic as to which theory and advice I should follow: Baby Wise, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer, or Dr. Sears' Attachment Parenting?  I wanted to hold and embrace my knew little love, but was afraid of forming bad habits in her.  I worried "should I feed on demand, or should I schedule the feeding times?" but my mom chimed in and eased my mind by just telling me to follow my instincts.  This worked for those first few weeks, until a few days ago.  Zoey's personality seems to be changing and her cries are not recognizable to me any more.  I've spent days trying to get to know her cues and learn her language, which works for some days, and then the next I feel as if I don't know her at all!  It's so exhausting...and even though I have been warned about this, I've learned that you can't prepare enough for it until you experience it for yourself.

I love every little ounce of her, and want to be the best mother I can.  So I'm releasing it all to God, who knows Zoey in every way!  He created her for crying out loud.  Each and every moment I am forced to rely on Him, for wisdom and strength...which is a great thing.  So despite the ups and downs, and the utter confusion and helplessness I feel, I am so grateful and feel honored to have the opportunity to be trusted with raising and discipling my baby girl and pray that I will do the best that I can and trust God to make up for my shortcomings (which is almost everything)!

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

                                                                                ~Matthew 11:28-30